Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I've had a wonderful pregnancy. But, I am getting the "You look tired" comments left and right. Maybe more napping and some wonderful cashing in of 2 60 minute massages Cindy bought me for Christmas/Birthday would work wonders. Since I've got (according to my little calendar here) about 3 weeks and 3 days until my due date, I may use one next week, and one after The Kid makes his appearance. Just as a nice treat.
My family is making a trip up north this weekend. Only 1 1/2 hours away, close enough so that I feel comfortable going, but if anything happens before then, I'll be staying home. Really it was my idea. I have been craving a burger from King Felafel's in Santa Maria. Oh how I dream of their fries and juicy burgers. It will come true this weekend.
This kid better know what I sacrifice for him. :)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
We're blessed to be able to gift each other with small, and wonderful things. We're blessed to have each other to give things to. We're blessed to have others think of us while doing some shopping. We're blessed to witness another Christmas in our lives. This is the last Christmas with us being a couple. Now we'll be a family, and we're so very blessed that this is the case.
JT and I were talking about how this baby of ours was a long time coming. We are so very ready to have him here. We're so very ready to be a family. We're already started to debate who's Christmas traditions The Kid will get to experience.
Personally, I think there's something magical about opening presents Christmas Morning. But, I have always loved our tradition of opening gifts at the stroke of midnight on Christmas day, and then playing a rousing game of Hide-n-Seek. I guess we have some time to figure it out. And we have time to start our own traditions.
All I know is that we have multiplied.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The 15th I had an ultrasound. My mom got to catch a fuzzy glimpse at her first grandchild. It was grainy and hard to see. I did make out cute chubby toes. I can't wait. He seems to be measuring on-point with his due date, but the Dr. will talk to me more about it tomorrow at my appointment.
The 16th was my birthday. 28 years. I never thought I'd be pregnant at 28. A mom at 28. I had just assumed that by now this would be old hat for me. I'm glad this is how it's happening though, because The Kid comes at a perfect time for us. We're mature, and ready to teach him all we know. And we're ready to learn a ton from him.
At this point I feel ready to have this baby. I feel like we're prepared and now all that's left is some last minute Christmas shopping and to enjoy the holidays with family. What a good way to finish off this pregnancy. Family, food, and fun.
OK Kid, come when you're ready.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
She told me her stories of pregnancy and motherhood as we drove home. My other family members were in the car too, but it could have just been us. Me and my mom. She caught me up on news of the family in Guatemala, and how my dad was doing. Turns out, they're great. My dad is bummed he couldn't come out too, but he's good.
Having my mom here is one step closer to this baby coming. Having her close to me just makes everything feel like it is in its place. Now to get my dad here.
Monday, December 7, 2009
I am eternally grateful for the kindness and generosity of friends.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
It's beginning to look a lot like we're home. Starting to settle in and get ready for my mom to make her appearance next week. I'm happy that every day it feels more and more like home.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I just had to. I am much more in the Christmas spirit than I was in years past. I suddenly want to make things so next year we can do them again and add to this. A tradition here and there. We will definitely be having our traditional Hide-n-Seek game with all the lights out on Christmas Eve. And that's just the way we like it.
It's beginning to look a lot like we're really gearing up to have this baby. Baby books everywhere with creases on the covers and bookmarks in them. Bags of baby clothes and baby cloth diapers. I feel good about our progress, but we're nowhere near ready.
I hope he can wait a little longer. Mom and Dad need just a little more time.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
My brothers, aunt and cousin will all be going to Nevada with us. I'm excited. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to spend the holiday with them, but thankfully I get the best of both worlds. It's wonderful.
JT's family is known for having an obscene amount of pies and desserts. I promise, that is not the reason I married him. Although, it was the cherry on top. I cannot wait!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
We're getting closer to the end of this pregnancy. I go back to the Dr. in 2 weeks. I'm anxious that this will almost be the end.
We're getting closer to being in Nevada with my family and JT's family for the holiday. Just being close to all of them will make it a wonderful holiday.
We're getting closer to being prepared for The Kid. I think that once this move is completely done and Thanksgiving is over, we'll be able to start getting some things for The Kid.
We're getting closer to having this wonderful little guy in our lives. I just can't wait.
Friday, November 13, 2009
We are signing the paperwork for the new house we'll be renting tonight. Then we can start moving in. Trying to get all the utilities on and in our name ASAP, isn't always easy when some places are old school and require you to walk in there yourself. Who does that anymore? Seriously? So I'll take care of that Wednesday which will be our last 1 month appointment to the Dr. After Wednesday's appointment, we'll be going in every 2 weeks. The end is near.
Work has been a pain. A busy, hectic, nagging pain. But I'm employed, and I can seriously thank God for that. Money is good. The more work I feel like I did, the more came in. Fun, fun.
This weekend will be hectic with moving, but a good kind of hectic. The kind of hectic that will end with pancakes and new cupboards to fill with all our dishes. I love moving in to a new place, but oh the soreness I will feel. Umm...can't wait?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
We will be signing lease agreements on Friday. I think it's great that we'll be able to go at our own pace for a few weeks. I can't do too much because of The Kid, and we are all hoping we still get to go to Pahrump for Thanksgiving. I miss JT's family. It'll be nice to see them all.
Now let's all cross our fingers that things continue to move forward with this.
Friday, November 6, 2009
We thought about getting my other brother to move in with us and get a place that would have enough for for all of us. That way we'd be comfortable. We're trying to figure out the logistics of that. What with me being in my 3rd trimester already and not being able to move much of anything myself. Let alone packing...It sounds like a real chore.
Though I love the idea of having a space for The Kid. We'll see what happens. Right now it's all in the air.
Monday, November 2, 2009
We had a great opportunity to just sit and go through an online registry. Mainly just to get us in the mind set that we need to start getting ready. I think we'll do fine, but I feel like I should be doing something to prepare. Maybe I should fish The Kid's blanket. I'm more than 3/4 of the way done. I should be able to finish this week.
Our anniversary is just around the corner. Just about 2 weeks. I keep thinking back to how amazing it is that this man I love married me, and together we've carved a life out for ourselves, and now we're adding to our family. I can't believe how blessed I am.
This weekend was truly amazing. I can't wait until JT's birthday next year. There will be another person to add to the festivities.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I feel like I've missed out on a lot because she hasn't been with me to tell me about her pregnancy and labor. Or to tell me those crazy old wife's tales. Or even to just sit and talk to me about all the stuff I'm scared about. I'll get to have her here for the best parts of it. The parts where I'm getting all the last minute things ready and preparing for The Kid to show up. I can't wait to just have her sit and talk to me. I miss her so much.
My dad will probably make the trip over once my mom heads home. They tag team it. I think my mom wants my dad to meet my son while he's still tiny. Brand new enough, but long enough so that I've had time to recuperate.
I can't even begin to explain how excited I am.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
When things were wrapping up the Dr. was telling me "Everything looks great, and I really hope it all goes well for you. If you need anything, give us a call" And with that, it made me realize how close I am to the end. About 3 months, and I'll have a baby in my arms. No more ultrasounds. Now, it'll be the actual baby.
A co-worker of mine is about a week ahead of me, and she was telling me that she's already planning her maternity leave. Now I've got to look over it all and see when I'll be leaving. When I'll be taking off work to get ready for him. I think the closer I am to taking off work, the less prepared I feel.
We really need to buy him diapers. And possibly some socks or something. I feel like I'm not ready.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
We're a go, for going to Nevada for Thanksgiving. I knew she'd say yes, and I feel comfortable going because Cindy would be there if anything were to happen. But it's always nice to have a reassuring word that I have nothing to worry about.
I have an appointment in 4 weeks, and then it'll be every other week. Yeah, that's the point where I came to the realization that this is all really going by fast. Very fast. Sometimes I feel like I'm so ready to be done with this part of it. Just ready to have this kid to laugh with. I am excited to see his sense of humor blossom. I'm ready to have him in his dad's arms. I know he's ready too. But, then there are moments like last night, when he's kicking up a storm, and I have to practically sign to JT to come over and feel, because I know if I say anything, The Kid will stop kicking. So he comes, feels and we both stare at my belly in amazement.
I want to remember every part of this pregnancy. And I can't wait to start the next part. The part where he calls me Mama.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
First the kitchen. We have pots and pans for days. You'd think that I could bare that down to maybe 1/3 of what we have, and that will be my mission this weekend. Just look over everything we own, see what's worth keeping, and decide what stays and get rid of the rest.
I feel that the closer we get to being ready for The Kid, the more calm I get. I hope that when we are finally at the point where we feel ready, we'll be able to sit back, and just relax until The Kid is here. Maybe stock up on some sleep.
We're just preparing.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
When we first started mulling over names, we told people what we had been considering, and they all had their input. I like when people are being "fake nice", they tend to smile and pause first, and then say "Oh that's nice" or "Oh, I like it...". Because of that, I'm considering keeping The Kid's name to myself until he's here. It's easier to hand someone a baby and say, "This is our baby, his name is _____". Then they get to know the child, and the name is not even an issue. So we shall see.
I was raised with an odd name, so I wasn't looking forward to giving my child a name that no one could pronounce. Mainly it's a name that's unique, yet simple. We're giving him a great middle name too. I'm excited to meet out little guy. Just a round of holidays to go, and he'll be here.
Friday, October 2, 2009
When I'm really sick, I can tell because the day will fly past and I won't remember to eat. I'll sometimes remember, but usually I don't feel hungry, so I'll just continue my marathon sleeping, or continue working. Depending on where I am.
The last few days though, The Kid is my reminder to eat. Even though I wouldn't feel hungry, like clock work, he began doing a jig and I'd remember "Oh wow, I need to eat". First in the morning, then around lunch time, and dinner. When it's feeding time, he's sure to let me know.
I don't know if he felt all my sickness, but if he did, I'm so sorry that he had to. I want him to feel no pain or discomfort, but I know that every time he'd dance around, he was letting me know he was OK, but it was feeding time.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The last couple weeks Jason and I have been going to church together on Sundays. And while Jason plays music in his car, and I sit in the passenger side just listening and looking at people in their cars, I feel my baby start to boogy. Once at church, during our songs and worship, I can feel him really get down.
Once in a while it really does feel like he's tap dancing in there. It's an amazing little reminder that my boy's got a personality already. Are we in for a treat! JT was a character. Still is. And I was a smarty pants. So this should really be fun. I cannot wait until I get to meet this little guy. Tap shoes and all.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
We're still not sure what will happen after the baby's born. We know he'll be out and ready for some TLC. And we'll be there to give it to him. At this point we're just trying to figure out who will be home with him and who will bring home the bacon. We're also trying to figure out how we'll pay for the birth. If only I could go into the woods somewhere, birth this child and then just jog on back to my house. At which point my family will gather, marvel and bask in the glow of my newborn and I will get to lay in bed recovering for a few weeks. If only that were how it worked.
I have to just pray that things will work out for the best. I am just short of giving up and just letting the system push me through, as it is prone to do. I'll be put on this conveyor belt: check in, lay and labor, be poked and prodded, lay and labor, push, push, no really...PUSH, and then at some point I'll have my child. I really just want it to be February so I can just look back at how I survived it all and how wonderful it was.
Where is Marty McFly when you need him?
Friday, September 18, 2009
Man, I'm really having a hard time pinpointing what I'm going to do. I love JT for supporting whichever birth method we'd like to pursue. So far the Dr. has been great. But I worry when it comes down to the actual birth. Just the IV being put into my arm. To the immediate rushing off of my baby as soon as he's born. I have decisions to make. And I'm scared I won't make the right one. The ultimate goal is to have a healthy baby. It's the journey getting there that's scary.
Oh yeah, and then there's everything after...
Lord help me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Most days I'll ask JT to feel my belly when the baby moves a lot, in hopes that he'll feel him kicking. But unfortunately his answer is usually "no". He doesn't stop trying though. And I love him for that. Last night, I was sitting on the couch with my feet up and our baby was kicking up a storm. I looked at JT, and he quickly put his hand on my belly. I asked "Did you feel-" JT cut in with "I think I felt him!" With a smile and some more trying to feel, we ended our evening.
It's amazing to think that it's getting so much closer. Now we'll just have to wait a few more months for him to be tangible for both of us. It's unbelievable. I'm excited and I cannot wait for him to be here.
'Him' will soon be named. Although, I am considering keeping the name a secret until he's born and has been named. I'm not sure people will like our choice in names. Good thing they're not our kid.
Ah the joys of parenthood.
Friday, September 4, 2009
We go to Pahrump this weekend. I'm excited to talk to Cindy a little more about our birthing options. I want her to be my midwife, but being that she's in Nevada, it makes things difficult. If nothing more, I'll escape to Nevada for a week or so just to have this kid. I'm unsure of the actual birth. A little scared too.
This weekend I look forward to cooking, eating, playing games, watching movies, hanging out, and possibly swimming. Really just spending a nice long weekend with JT's family is always nice. I'm really happy my brothers are going with us. It makes for a more entertaining weekend. I love my family, they're all amazing, and I can't wait until I introduce this little boy to them all.
Friday, August 28, 2009
I am excited and so anxious to meet my little boy.
My brother Jason took us out to dinner. He insisted it be a steak dinner. It was expensive, but he wanted to pay. Even when JT offered to pay. My brothers are excited and so are our families. I can't wait until he's here and I can tell him about how long we've waited for him to arrive.
Totally worth the wait.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Now I know, as soon as I type this, I'll balloon up 20lbs. But, I have only gained between 2 - 5lbs during my almost 4 1/2 months. It varies, and Monday when I go to the Dr. it will be set in stone just how much I've gained so far. First two appointments I was the same weight.
I'm not so much afraid of gaining weight. I'm afraid of the slippery slope that pregnancy can be. I've seen people just take being pregnant as a free for all. I do give in to things here and there, but I try so very hard to make the best choice for my child and me. JT asks me every now and then, OK...pretty often, "You taking good care of my baby?" and usually I'll answer, "I'm trying". And that is the Honest To God truth. I try so very hard. I've been craving sweet delicious baked goods. Strawberry tarts. Strawberry short-cake. Banana cream pie. A banana split. Black cherry ice cream, on top of freshly baked sugar cookies. But, I'm saving those cravings for when I just can't shake it. Instead of the goodies I want, I have fruit. Instead of tasty ice cream, I had some sugar-free, fat-free frozen yogurt with fruit on it. Not the same, but it holds me until I can splurge.
Until then, I just have to shake it...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I don't think I look much different, besides maybe some slight swelling in my chest area and maybe some discomfort in the belly area if there is any pressure there. But I feel like I look the same. However, it's the little things I try to do, like bend over to grab my bag, or to pick something up, and I hear these noises coming out. "uhh.." or "Ooof" I have begun noticing that things are changing. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
In a little over a week we'll hopefully find out if we're having a boy or a girl. We're excited. I'm extremely excited to have JT with me to see the baby. It's an amazing thing to see. I can't wait.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I wake up this morning, shower, get ready, and as I stand in front of the mirror, I see my nose looks swollen. I think maybe it's just allergies or possibly this ear ache I have, but I turn and ask JT, "Does my nose look swollen to you?" he smiles and says "yes, actually, it kind of does".
I turn to put on one of the new shirts I bought not too long ago, and as I'm buttoning it up, the bottom button does really keep the two sides of the shirt together all that well. I laugh and tell JT his kid is making it so that my shirts don't fit in the tummy area. He smiles, tells me I'm beautiful and tells me to go buy new shirts for myself.
Just as I say that I don't feel pregnant, you make yourself known. I will be 4 months in a few days and I'm excited. I'm almost 1/2 way there. That's scary, exciting, and really unbelievable. How is it possible that in just a few short months I'll have you in my arms? We are so blessed, and the minute you are in our arms, covered in kisses, you will know it too.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
In that moment, you became my reason for getting up in the morning. For making myself go to the gym. For eating the less appetizing, but better for me food. For everything. In that moment, I changed. I'm showing everyone the little gray pictures they gave me. And I'm excited that you are alive and well in there. I'll make sure to take good care of us.
Turns out I'm not at 13 weeks today as the Dr. previously thought. Instead my due date is being moved to January 23rd. Let's hope your Uncle Evan is happy you'll be close to his birthday. So I'm stuck at 11 weeks, going on 12. Frustrating because I want to know if you'll be a little boy or a little girl. I want to hold you, I want you to be here already. But, good, because I have a little more time to enjoy this special journey, and to prepare.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I even came out of this weekend with a new swim suit and a tan from the pool. I can't even put into words how amazing JT's family is. I left, and immediately missed them. I just cannot wait to go back. If only the trip were shorter. 4 hours was never much, especially when JT made that trip out to see me, way back when, but now it's a lot trickier to not drink anything on the drive, because I will just have to stop at the nearest rest room, if I do. And trying to stay awake has proven to be futile. I fall asleep before we get on the freeway.
Things are changing and I'm excited. We've started talking about what we'll do, what we'll change, where we'll put things. We're excited and anxious. We can hardly wait. But we're so very grateful to have about 6 months to go.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Me: Oh my goodness. That's really...Wow...
Him: What's that kid, running a race?
I got pamphlets, vitamin samples, instructions, and a follow up appointment. As we walked out he holds my hand and says:
Anything you want, it's yours. All my money, everything I have. It's yours
I think he's in awe of me carrying his child. But I'm in awe of him for making this possible.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Then suddenly...Ba bump, ba bump, ba bump...
I heard my baby's heart. Fast, loud, tiny little heart, beating. I heard our baby. JT grabbed my hand and I just smiled and kept fighting the tears. I'm really having a baby.
I've begun telling more people and it feels great to just let the news sink in. That I'm really, truly having a baby. I have so much planning and preparing to do. But first, we go to Nevada next weekend and celebrate the 4th of July and the baby.
I'm happy, excited, nervous, elated, and eternally greatful. We're having a baby!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I've had trouble believing this miracle has really happened to us. So I have kept it mostly under wraps, except for family and a small circle of friends, until...well, today. After today's appointment, where I hope they'll let me hear a heart beat, or see something, or the Dr. will shake me and tell me that I really am pregnant, Then I'll tell the world. Then I'll be emailing, texting, calling...Telling everyone I know.
I want this more than I can even express, and I feel like I just need to hang on a little longer until it all comes true. Or at least until I'm convinced it all came true.
My mother-in-law is a midwife, and I ask her a million questions. I talk to her about all the fears and worries I have. It's nice to have her available to me. It's a blessing. But I can't wait until I can go and show her a picture, or tell her I heard the heart beat. Something...Anything...
I'm anxiously awaiting my baby.
Monday, June 8, 2009
So I asked her, if I needed any further tests, and she said "No. You took 2 tests, and they were positive. Make an appointment with the OBGYN, and Congratulations!"
At this point I'm afraid if I say it too much or too loud it will all come un-true. It will be taken away from me. Or it'll be a false alarm. I've only told my family and a small group of friends. I feel the need to whisper it, just in case it isn't really happening to me.
I have an appointment on the 23rd, and I really hope I can at least hear a heartbeat, or have the OBGYN confirm that it's true. Maybe then I will be certain that I'm not just dreaming. We've wanted this for so long, and I almost can't believe it. The moments where I completely believe it, those are some wonderful moments. I can't wait to go to the Dr. That's the first time I've ever said that. Thank God for this.
Monday, June 1, 2009
If this isn't to be, protect my heart.
If this is to be, Thank You! Thank You! and, prepare me for what is to come...
If this isn't to be, protect my heart.
If this is to be, Thank You! Thank You! and, prepare me for what is to come...
And with that I opened my eyes, unwrapped the test and I saw two lines.
I couldn't believe it. It still feels surreal. I feel like I dreamt this all up. Feel like all of this would happen to me, but is it really happening to me? I'm calling the Dr. as soon as her office opens to make an appointment. Don't want to get too happy before anything is for sure. But it's nice to have a happy little surprise every now and then.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Labor Day we went to the park once Matt and Allyssa left for Victorville. It was a church activity and I promised JT we’d only stay about an hour. We were both tired and needed to just be alone. So we went, stayed an hour, went home. We got some food and headed home. We had a great drive home. Just talking and catching up. I had the opportunity to sit and talk some more with him after our meal, and I have to say, I love this man. He makes my days happy. He makes it all ok. He is an amazing man, and I’m lucky to be married to him.
We’re planning a weekend away. Really we just need to go away. It’s wonderful to have people over. We love that our home is comfortable to so many. But once in a while, we need to have some time away just the two of us. Hopefully next month we can just run away for a couple days. That would be lovely. I don’t need anything fancy. I just need my husband and me.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Yesterday was lovely. We had a cruise theme program for the moms and it was great fun. The mother's there were treated so amazingly well, it was great to see.
I hope my mom had a truly wonderful day yesterday.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Yeah I'm moody. Thank goodness for the gym, and the aggression it lets me work out.
Today is a struggle.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Graceful and stylish describe both you and these stunning cupcakes. Your appreciation for simple elegance makes these cupcakes a must-have for your next social gathering.
Tasty and fun.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I'm excited during the day to see them. I can't wait to get home and pick him up. I told Adriann that now I understand how she feels when she's anxiously wanting to go home and see Trinity. He may not be mine, and he may not be here for much longer with us in California, but my goodness I am counting the minutes (31) until I can go see his smiling face.
I am beyond happy that they were able to come visit. I am excited that they'll come out again and this time we can go to the beach. And anywhere else their hearts may desire. I'm just happy.
Thank you Liam, for making our family so much better and happier. We love you.
Monday, March 30, 2009
My weekend was fantastic. Tim and Cindy came out to visit. They brought Evan with them. It was quite possibly the best weekend I've had in a long time. We made a trip to the farmer's market. Which, I plan on making every Saturday morning. If for nothing else, then at least to stock up on fresh bread and berries for the week. Oh it was lovely. We watched good movies, ate a ton of good food. All in all, I'm tired, but oh so happy to be able to say I spent a wonderful weekend with my in-laws.
Hopefully I'll get Matt and Allyssa, along with Liam out here next week. They are, however, dealing with Liam's first cold. So it may not be the right time. But I hope it is. I'd love to just wake up and see him. That's a wonderful feeling.
I am so very thankful for the family I was born into, and the one I married into. I couldn't have planned it out better myself.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Growing up I was one of the few girls at church. I grew up with the kids at church. I grew up in the midst of a bunch of boys. To this day, I find myself to fondly remember my childhood and I'll remember the bruises, scrapes, wrestling matches, games of Trip, etc. It's great to be remember the boys of my childhood. They all hold an extremely special place in my heart. Then there are the girls, the few, but extremely cherished girls.Though I may not have felt close to them, now when I see them I can't help but remember almost every adventure we had together. I had a wonderful childhood, and I am greatful to every person who had a hand in that. Especially the kids I grew up with who ended up being amazing adults.
At the retreat I saw two girls that I grew up with. I didn't recognize them until one of them came up to me and smiled. She's been battling with weight for a while and she's lost 153lbs, so I didn't even recognize her. I couldn't stop smiling and telling her how amazing she looked. I just was so happy for her. Then I saw her sister, who has lost 85lbs. How amazing is it that they have done this for themselves, and feel amazing for it? Incredible. I told them about how I had lost 40lbs, but am struggling to get over that next hump. They were telling me to keep going and no one else could do it for me, so just push myself...They inspired me. I've been at this point for almost a month. I haven't lost any more. I was frustrated. But, I've started kicking my butt again. I've started pushing myself again. And it's starting to slowly come off again.
I can tell my body is changing, and I'm overjoyed. I have been really busy and forget to put myself on my priority list. I know that by doing that everyone else wins too. So I have to make it a point to just take some time for myself and take care of me. It's good to have people to take care of, but if I don't take care of myself, I'm no good to anyone.
I am inspired.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My grandmother had this way of making me smile. She had this habit of gently grabbing your nose and then bringing her hand to her lips and kissing it while saying "mi nariz". My nose. She did that for your chin, lips, ears...but mainly your nose.
I thought because she lives far and I don't see her very often that I wouldn't feel it much. I was wrong. I cried. I cried a lot. Then I got up, got ready and went to work. I was in zombie mode for most of the morning. And then Michelle asked me if I was ok. I said yes. But she didn't really think I was. So she quietly asked me what was wrong. And I told her. She hugged me, and I lost it. I got up to compose myself, and in a matter of 5 minutes I called my brother, talked to a friend and talked to my husband. I couldn't stop crying. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I went home early.
At home I tried to sleep, just to pass the time until I could figure out if I could go to Guatemala to be with my family, to see if my brother was going to go. To just hear from my family in Guatemala. But, I couldn't sleep. As much as I tried, I couldn't. I wasn't able to go to Guatemala, but my brother did. He left last week on Thursday, and arrived in time for the burial on Friday afternoon.
My father is contemplating moving back to the States because the main reason he was spending most of his time in Guatemala was because he wanted to be near my grandma. I just want him to be 100% sure of what he wants to do. I know it's not good to make decisions while you're still grieving. And right now, we're still grieving.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Yesterday I felt like I was drowning. I got anxious and annoyed. I love my Abuela, and I cringe at the thought of my dad having to watch all this unfold. He is happy that he's there, but my goodness what that must be like. I feel for my aunt's anxiousness to leave and be with her mother, but I don't know if that was the smartest thing.
I'm just glad tonight will not be so crazy. At least I hope it won't be. Ha. Now that I said that it will be nuts.
It's an adventure.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
So I'm getting sick, and I'm a little happy I am, because frankly I could probably use a day off. I need to look at things logically. I would love to have a kid now, but the reality is, we just made the decision to focus on JT's career and make sure he's secure in that before we do anything crazy, like have a kid and I quit my job. So I'm not even sure why I had this wishful thinking about me getting pregnant. Maybe it's just a thought I tend to have when I'm late.
The up side, I'm so having coffee. And NyQuil tonight. Oh and a cheeseburger. Ok, maybe not the cheeseburger. But I'll love the heck out of that coffee.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Last Tuesday night I was at church and I was standing up front because they asked all the people who were going to commit themselves to work for the year to help out the church to go up. So I stood up, walked up there, and kind of hung back towards the back of the huge group of people. While standing there, Karla walked up and just put her arm around me. She told me, "I'm so happy you're here. I really need a friend. A true friend. I haven't felt like I've had a true friend here." I started to cry. I told her, "I've been feeling the same way. I love coming to church and I love the people in my life, but lately I feel I don't have True Friends." And that's when she began to cry. It was an amazing feeling knowing that I'm not alone in the feelings I have. It's even more amazing that we were brought together at that very moment. It was then that I didn't feel so alone.
I am trying to put myself out there, and I'm trying to think positive. You know, see the beauty in life. Everything around me has something beautiful in it, I just have to look hard enough. Luckily sometimes, it doesn't take much searching for me to see it. Tuesday night was one of those times.