My goodness, time has flown by

This year has been amazing. I gained a Sister-in-law, a Nephew (Liam born 12/14/08), Moved into a house we love renting, marked our 5 year anniversary and I started working out and trying to watch what I ate. There is so much more, but these are the things that really stick out in my mind.

Allyssa and Liam being added to the family has been phenomenal. It's amazing seeing Allyssa with Liam. She's a different woman. I can see that the shy girl we met not too long ago, isn't the same. She's focused on her amazingly beautiful baby boy. She's consumed with him, and it's the most darling thing to watch. She'll sit and watch him. And my heart melts just seeing that. I know next time I see Liam he'll be different. He'll look different, he'll be able to hold up his little head on his own, he may even be able to smile. I am looking forward to seeing him, and just watching him grow up to be an amazing human being.

We love the house we live in now. We're still trying to settle in, but it's happening, and I love it. Yesterday I had a day off from work, so I spent the day straightening up and doing laundry. It was so relaxing. I love the sounds of the house, the smells, the natural light, the wonderful yard. I love living there.

JT and I are 5 years into our marriage and going onto our 6th year. I'm in love with this man. I sit and talk to him and he never fails to crack me up. We sit and just talk nonsense, and it's hilarious. I love it. The most mundane things are made better by him. I think we're a great team. I cook, he cleans. I wash clothes, he helps put them away. I can't thank him enough for making my life so much better.

I am excited to see what this next year will bring. I'm about 3lbs away from having lost 40lbs. I'm excited and that just makes me want to work so much harder at this. I hope this will be the year I get pregnant and we can start growing our little family. I hope this year we prosper. I hope this year I am able to build my friendships stronger. I hope I can solidify my career. I hope I can enjoy the little things in life. Mainly I just want to have fun, no matter what happens this year.

Perfect....Just Perfect

Yesterday was my birthday. And even though I don't get that same tingle in my stomach that I used to get when I was younger, it was by far one of the most perfect days. It started with JT singing to me at midnight. Once I got to work my desk was thrashed with balloons, confetti, streamers, ribbon, etc. It was amazing. I got birthday bagels, and cakes.

Later we did some shopping for my parents, since Jason was leaving the next morning to see them. Once I got back and did some work, I got a "Can you come the conference room...There's drama" urging from Adriann. So I went. And the singing and cake with candles commenced. I'm not one to like all this attention on me, so I'm sure I was awkward, but I couldn't stop smiling. It was so thoughtful and just nice. I can't thank my friends enough.

Dinner with my family that evening. It was amazing. I wanted to have a 'mustache party', but it got postponed because of too many things going on this month. But my aunt bought us some funny nose/moustache/eye brows/glasses type things and it was hilarious! I can't begin to explain the joy of having a mini moustache party. We had cake, I got presents and money. It was fantastic. I got books, movies, little trinkets, perfume. It's like these people know me.

I keep getting things. A belated birthday pistachio cake, movies...I just don't know how to say that this last day and a half has been amazing. I am beyond happy.

Sweet tooth

I have this love affair with baking.  I've had it for a long time.  It started with baking in the kitchen with my mom.  Even just baking cake from the box, it was all so fun.  And oh so tasty.  I tend to bring baked goods when I don't know what else to do.  Not long after my young cousins lost their grandmother, I baked Chocolate Chip Cookies.  It's my way of showing affection, I think. 

So upon reading Joy The Baker I think I found my new hero.  I tried one of her recipes not too long ago.  Apricot Cornmeal Cookies.  They were amazing.  Texture and taste.  Just amazing. 

A couple nights ago I baked cupcakes and made buttercream frosting to go on top...Fluffy, delicious, amazing.

I'd love to bake every day.  Now if I can find a way to do that, I'd be so happy.  I think my friends and family would be too.

Oldies, but goodies...

I found some old pictures not too long ago. It takes me back to some great times.

Fantastic.

Who asked you?

So as I stood and worked the butt muscles on this weird machine at the gym, Adriann was talking to me, (or possibly laughing at me, not sure) an older lady comes up and tells Adriann in spanish the secret to losing weight. No joke. She tells her that in order to loose weight you have to drink 3 cups of water with lemon in the morning. Go figure. Adriann looks at me to translate, and I just look away. Unfortunately I'm not so good at translating what I think is blogna. So she tells Adriann and myself in broken english the wonderful recipe for weight loss. (Insert me rolling my eyes here) The lady walks away. Only to return a few seconds later to continue with her pearls of wisdom. At this point I can't take it anymore and I tell her we're late, Gotta Run!...And we leave.



Who decided that old people can just come up and be rude? Nosy old bag. That's all that kept wanting to come out of my mouth. But, I was relatively polite. I think if I see her again, I'll kick her in the shins and run away. Way to deflate two girls who are totally on the right track to getting healthy. Nosy old bag.


In other news, I went to the Dr. a couple days ago, and I'm happy to report the Dr. was all smiles and happy with my progress. I'm happy with it too.


We're on baby watch with Allyssa and also my friends Jose and Ana. I can't wait to meet their children. My first niece or nephew and Little James. I'm excited and so happy for them. And their many many many days of diaper changing ahead of them. Ha.

Whaa?

So there's this site:Craftastrophe. I've been seeing that people need REAL friends. Friends who will tell them the truth. Friends who will be brutally honest.



Example:

What would bring someone to make this? Then show their friends and have someone say "Oh, that's so good! You're so talented" Truth is, it's not good. They are not talented. Unless making the creepiest clock in the land is a talent. In which case, Bravo my dear. Bravo. How do you not have that one friend who tells you the honest to God truth?

Do yourself a favor. Find yourself that friend. It's so worth it.

Oh the fun I've had just saying "WHAA?" about the stuff on there. It's fantastic.

Also, what's with the anatomy lessons I seem to be getting from wallets?! Purses!? and Jewelry boxes. Ha. Never knew it was so sought after to have an anatomy lesson every time you pull out your wallet.

Enjoy!

Holding my breathe...

So we may have found a house. As I type this I'm trying to hold my breathe because I don't want anything to get in the way of us getting it. So I will say no more until we find out for sure.

My cousin Sharon isn't getting married anymore. And as I type this I'm holding my breathe because I'm not sure if I want it to be true or not. Her heart is broken, and there is no pain like loosing your first love.

Allyssa should be having her baby in about 2 1/2 weeks. And as I type this I'm holding my breathe because I'm so excited. I'm also sad that I probably won't be able to be there when the baby's born But watch out cuz Aunt Jachel is on the way as soon as I can get away. I want to hold that baby that's part Matt and part Allyssa. I hold my breathe due to excitement.

My friend Cathy is getting married and this weekend I get to see her in her wedding dress. As I type this I hold my breathe to hold back the tears. I'm excited and oh so happy for her.

Adriann is venturing out into a business of her own. And I'm holding my breathe that all goes well with her, and that this will kick me in the butt to realize my dreams. I'm proud of you Adriann.

I have to remember to just breathe and let the cards fall where they may.

My kingdom for a nest...

I've read many places that you come to a point in your life when you have the need to nest. Well, slap some feathers on me, because I'm looking for a new nest. We are. We need to move out of the place we're currently in. It's just gotten to be a bit much. The constant blank, vacant stare the apartment manager gives borders on insulting. The maintenance guys we love! But you don't always have the pleasure of dealing with them. We're moving!

We spent last weekend looking. It was an exhausting task. One I wasn't sure the husband would survive without biting my head off. But, he did. I did. We both did. And we didn't fight! I think him giving me direction and me just following his directions of where to go and him going through the book we had full of apartments worked out great. We saw a bunch of great places, and I think maybe we found the place!

I'm hoping this is the place. It's a duplex type house, and it's great to think we won't have to worry about countless neighbors. I think this would be good for us, so now I just hope everything goes OK and this is the place for us. I can even see us having friends over and not feeling totally embarrassed to have them over. Or have to worry about their car getting towed. Yep, that's the place we live now.

Send happy thoughts our way, and I hope we get to ...Um, Lay many eggs in our nest? Gross. I just hope we nest, happily there.

Mi familia

There's an itching that, at the moment, is all my mind can focus on. It's in my throat, and I know what this means. I will soon, let's hope not, but most likely, be sick. It's times like these when I really wish my mom was around.

Growing up my mom had these little pieces of advice she'd give you. Like "Everything fits in a jar if you know how to arrange it" In Spanish it just rolls off the tongue. In English, not so much. And she has old wives tales she swears by. When our stomachs hurt she'd give us mint tea. If we had bug bites she'd put garlic on them. If we got burnt she'd put toothpaste on them. Now most of this weirded me out. But, when you had a cold, it meant the best chicken soup complete with funky herbs she'd put in it, that I just preferred to not ask what they were. No other person makes it like her. Even my grandmother's tastes different. I miss my mom.

My parents moved out of the country almost a year ago. I miss them so much. I thought because they didn't live with me, it wouldn't be so hard. But, now I'm left to assume much of the role of Mother Hen. I gather my family on the weekends. Most time we all come together and just enjoy each other's company. I try to call everyone at least once a week to just check on them. I want to know how they are, what they plan for the weekend and I want to know if they need anything. I'm pretty good at it and it's rewarding. When my parents left my dad said "Stick close to your brothers and your aunt & cousin." and I have. It's not always easy. Sometimes I forget to call, or forget to invite people to things, but they love me and know I mean well. At least I hope they do.

I think about my family. The family I will at one point start. I want them to be close. I want them to know that no matter what, they have each other. I've heard and seen families that don't get along. They fight, don't speak to each other, and just have hatred. I am thankful each day for having my family and the relationships we have with each other. I respect and love them all so much. I am very lucky.

I am thankful that my example to my children of what a family is, is something spectacular.

Looking forward

I'll be going to Camarillo to go see Sharon, my wonderful cousin, try on her wedding dress. I'll probably cry, because I always cry. Sharon is marrying a guy who lives in Guatemala. She met him out there on one of their many trips to visit the family. She met him and they seem to have hit it off. However, his English is non-existent, and his Spanish is very sparse. He speaks a Mayan dialect, which my aunt, Sharon's mom, understands. Sharon speaks Spanish pretty OK, but it's a bit chopped up. And her speaking of the dialect is non-existent. There are relationships that work this way. They don't speak the same language, but the language of love breaks all barriers, I get that. But, I get this horrible feeling about this union. I feel it may not be in her best interest.

Sharon is going to be 20 in a week. She's got it in her head that this is her "Last chance!". I can't tell her enough that it's not. But, somehow (read: my aunt) she got it into her head that this may be her only chance to be proposed to and get married. I feel as if her mom orchestrated the relationship up to this point. They dated, and called each other, then her mom and she took a trip to Guatemala and said "Sharon's going to be proposed to on this trip", she even orchestrated a dinner and a time for it to happen. It drives me bonkers. Her mother is a single mother. She's struggled because of this, but she's come out a strong woman. However, she was proposed to a couple times and she either accepted or didn't, but still...Didn't get married. There were things that just didn't work out. I think that's where this "Last Chance!" deal came from. 20 is different from 40, is different from 50, is different. I don't agree with her getting married. She's been going to college, and I feel she's throwing it out the window because she'll be living in Guatemala, and the likelyhood of her continuing is slim to none.

I was asked to be her maid of honor. I guess Matron of Honor, because I'm matronly and all. I have to say no. I feel it inside of me. I have to say No. But, the thought of seeing Sharon stand at the altar and have NO ONE standing next to her supporting her, is Killing me inside. I can't possibly go to Guatemala and do the whole show if I know in my heart that this isn't right. So, I will say no. Regretfully, because of the love I have for my cousin. I will take care of throwing her parties where she will get wonderful gifts and have a great time, but I can't stand next to her and have God and Everyone listening for the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" part, and I'll either have to say something or forever hold my peace.

Sharon has always been like the little sister I never had. She'd call me when she had bad days. She'd call me when she had good days. She'd call me and tell me I was her "best cousin/friend". I saw her grow up. I just don't know what to do to save her. At this point, all I can do is pray. Because God is the only one who can deal with this awful mess.

I am currently looking forward to:

My cousin Sharon's wedding dress fitting.
Sharon's birthday (the 11th of this month)
Going to Pahrump for my Father-in-law's birthday
Feeling Allyssa's belly again
Hugging JT
Magic Mountain
A nice cool weekend, so I can bake
Baking!
Seeing long lost friends

I am not so much looking forward to:

Sharon's wedding
leaving Pahrump when it's time to go home
...finding out what this knot in the pit of my stomach means
loosing Sharon, possibly for good
A 1 1/2 hour drive to Camarillo
Saying no

Then it leered its ugly head...

There was the time when I was jealous without even knowing it. I was jealous of a pregnant lady. I've been my fair share of pregnant ladies. And I'm usually the one telling them to "Put down that Coke, and drink water instead!" Or the one that will run with them to 7-11 to get them that much sought after bag of sunflower seeds. But this time was different.

It was a lady from church, and she was plenty older than me. She got married and months later we get the wonderful news that she's expecting a baby. Her pregnancy seemed to last forever. It was torture to me to think that I wasn't in her place. But I didn't realize that's what it was that bugged me until my husband pointed out after my comment that "Wow, she's been pregnant forever" he said something along the lines of "It only seems that way to you". It hit me. I'm jealous.

I tried as hard as I could to not let it bother me. I even went as far as planning a baby shower for her. Anything to chase away those feelings. It didn't help that the whole time at the baby shower she didn't once direct a word toward me. I think it just made my feelings stronger. I struggled with putting those feelings aside and finally, was able to make peace knowing that my time would come...some day. Sounds pretty, but I found it hard. Really hard. I think it helped to just be happy for her.

Now, I'm around pregnancy and it just makes me excited for what may come. But I still remember the feeling of being angry and frustrated, and it scares me. How do I know I won't feel that way again? Thankfully I don't feel that way toward my family's pregnancies.

Allyssa being pregnant gives me the kind of joy I didn't know I could feel. And this will just be my niece or nephew. I already love her baby unconditionally. I want nothing but the best for it. I want them to grow up to be wonerfully amazing human beings. I want to secretly spoil them rotten. I want to tell them ghost stories, take them to toy stores, and have adventures with them, just like my aunt did with me. And having these hopes and dreams for my niece or nephew is what reminds me that there is hope.

Back in the swing of things

We went, we saw, we played games, we ate, we (not I) fished, we had a wonderful time. It was amazing. The Farmhouse we stayed in was beautiful. I have decided that some time in the future, I want a farmhouse to call mine. Mind you, I love California and I'm a city girl and I probably won't be too happy after 1 month there, but I want it. We had so much fun, it was sad to see it all end. I just about cried when we left the "Buffalo Bistro" after having dinner with the family. Seeing everyone going off one way and JT and I going another...it was almost heartbreaking.

I love that my family bonds over board games. Mind you we also cooked and shopped and ate Spectacular Pie, but the games. Oh how I love the games. I'm convinced Michelle cheats. She somehow always wins. Oh and then when you start to catch up she tells you to "Suck it". Not really, but with my bad hearing, that's what I hear. I really bonded with my family even more. I got to feel Allyssa's belly and I'm convinced I touched the baby's butt. I'm proud of Allyssa for starting herself on a meal plan. It's something that can only help her and the baby. I'm anxious to have my niece or nephew here. Oh how they'll make birthdays and christmas so much more exciting.

We had great food. Michelle can cook! It was too cute watching her and Jared cook together. They are simply adorable together. We tried watching 1 movie about 3 times, and we all fell asleep after about 15 minutes. I am so happy I got to go. And we're planning to go back, for a whole week next time. I can't wait.

So back to the routine of work, church, family, and gym. We lifted weights yesterday. I'm anxious to get things tighter. And judging from the soreness in my upper body (It was so hard to get dressed this morning), we were in desperate need of it. Of course, when you're in the pool no one tells you you're doing it wrong and you can die or become paralyzed from the machines, but it's a great experience. One of the trainers insisted on telling me I could die from the way I was using a machine. So I'll make sure to read the instructions on the machines. I promised JT.

My wonderful JT. I loved spending all those days with him. He went off fishing a couple days, and it was great for him and his dad and brothers. But I loved getting up and spending time with him. We'll be married 5 years in a couple months and it's a HUGE deal to us. We're planning on going out of town for the weekend and just do stuff we love to do. I am more in love with him now than I was when we got married. He really is the love of my life, and I can't thank him enough for making my life that much better.

I'm in a really good place right now. And I'm happy about that.

A fishin' we will go

JT's parents rented a cabin in Utah. We're going up there Wednesday morning. Tuesday night we leave California and head to Nevada, where we will sleep a few hours and wake the next morning to a busy house trying to get all their stuff together. We'll all hit the road and be on our way to Utah. I am So excited.

Growing up I was a huge fan of camping. My mom was amazing. She would give us each a thing to be in charge of. And we'd help her get that thing together. She always over packed food, and it drove me nuts. Why so much food mom? Why always packing pots, pans, skillets, coffee pots, Do we really need a huge salt shaker? But she knew why she took that stuff. She'd make us feasts while we camped. My favorite thing in the world, to this day, is waking up under the blankets, while outdoors in a tent and smelling pancakes. I live for that! She'd make us fresh salsa, fresh beans, fresh everything. Sure she could open a can and get some bean-type substance, but Cooking and caring for her family was always how my mom showed her love.

This trip won't be camping. It'll be staying in a cabin. And I'm so happy. Frankly, after my family camping trips, which usually involved the WHOLE church, we'd get back and be exhausted. I think I may still be exhausted, but it won't be quite as bad.

I'm excited to spend time with the McCartys. Last time we went and stayed in a cabin it was with the majority of the Halls. My mother-in-law's family. It was fun. Tons of fun. But oh man, it was hectic. I'm not sure I was prepared for that. We stayed a few days and then spent another day in Pahrump. This time around it'll be Tim & Cindy, Gramps & Grandma, Matt & Allyssa, Jared & Michelle, Evan, and JT and I. It'll be a small group of people I love so much. It's exciting.

Preparing for the trip is an adventure in itself. Of course I want to take everything. I MUST have new shoes. I MUST have new tops. I MUST buy economy sized bottles of shampoo, because Lord knows it won't be enough having a regular sized bottle. I'm a little nuts when it comes to packing. For this reason, I am starting now. Starting to gather and then I can slowly cut back the amount of stuff I take. Let's hope there's enough room in the back of the car.

I will take walks with Allyssa and Michelle and take many many pictures. I will play games, I'm sure Phase10 will be one of those. I will sit and rub Allyssa's belly. I will watch movies. I will enjoy nature. I will read books. I will cook. I will enjoy cooking. I will sit and just relax. I will whip some of my beloved family members at MarioKart for the Wii. I will enjoy myself. I will have a fabulous time with MY family.

I can't wait.

Sweets...

My sister-in-law is a sweetheart.  Allyssa is a very sweet girl, and I love her.  I've only known her for a short time, but I have to say the fact that we have a "Cyber" relationship has brought us closer together.  We email frequently.  We email quite frequently.  Whenever my blackberry makes that funny little noise that means I have a message and I see it's her, I MUST read it immediately.  Often I feel I need to reply right away.  I've gotten to know her and love her more with each email.  When I saw her this past weekend, I just wanted to hug her and not let go.  She's having a baby!! This is going to be my first Niece or Nephew.  And it's exciting!  I am so happy that this is happening.  It's a crazy ride, and I hope to be there to help in any way I can.

Allyssa emailed me tonight and said some incredibly kind things to me.  She read my blog and she said something along the lines of "you may have a hard time now, but you know what, it's for the best" and she sweetly ended her email with "I'm sorry if that made you mad".  

First, She's right.  Even though it's hard now, it'll get better.  No matter what, I will be a mom.  It may not be the way we thought it would happen, or maybe it will.  We don't know, but with all this stuff I'm going through now I will appreciate my children so much because of it.  Not that people who got pregnant right off the bat don't appreciate their kids, but this will make my story personal to me, and a little different.  Personally, it's a wonderful thought.  Thank you Allyssa.  

Secondly, You didn't make me mad.  I'm usually okay with it.  I can grin and bare the question of when we're going to have kids most of the time.  Actually it makes me smile that people just know we'll be good parents.  If you don't get the question, that's when you worry.  Ha.  Yeah, I don't usually mind it.  But then there are people who assume that by me saying "soon" I'm saying "Oh, not until things are all perfect"  I don't want to hear "You're never ready, just go for it"  Seriously?  You're never ready?  You can at least try, right?  We're ready.  Mind you, we may need to buy child safe plug covers and maybe something to hide all the wires in the house, but otherwise...READY!  It's ok to ask.  I love that you want that for us too.  I want badly to have that cousin for your Little.  

I struggle sweets, but watching you be pregnant and see you get all cute and just so beautiful, well, it gives me a glimpse into the beauty that is the circle of life.  Thank you for caring.  You mean a lot to me.

And so it begins...

I've been reading people's blogs for a while, and I mostly lurk. I hide and laugh (internally of course) and cry, and enjoy it so much. I am fascinated by people allowing others to take a peek into their lives. It amazes me. I may at one point be able to share as much as most do, but for now...This is me.

At the nudging of my friend, Adriann, and of my new Sister-In-Law, Allyssa, I will be documenting what is my battle with weight-loss, and the ultimate goal of having a child.

The weight-loss part of it came thanks to Adriann and her suggestion that we go to the gym together during lunch. It's been great. I had mentioned to her that I was way too stressed and that I really just needed to get rid of a lot of that extra energy I had. So we started in July. It's now September, and we're swimming about 4 times a week. We do 1/2 a mile, and it's great. Our bathing suits don't fit much anymore. This is Victory! So far, I've lost about 20lbs. This is HUGE for me. I can pack it on, but taking it off has never really worked. Working out and with the help of JT, my husband, the food situation is improving. We're eating healthy food. Hey, it can be tasty, who would have known?

The baby stuff....Hmmm. Well, we're trying. It's going to be an uphill battle, this I know. The Dr. said "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome", which is scary, but not untreatable. I'm hoping that with the weight loss will come the healthy ovaries.

I'm just tired of the "So, when are you guys having kids?" that I so frequently get. I know it's just a natural question, and they don't know what I've been struggling with, but I just want to come right out and say "Hey I have bum ovaries. It's not like we aren't trying. Believe you me, we do. I'm just a little defective!" But I'll usually say "Not yet" and I know you can see in my face that it kills me. It does.

This is my struggle.