Friday, October 3, 2008

Looking forward

I'll be going to Camarillo to go see Sharon, my wonderful cousin, try on her wedding dress. I'll probably cry, because I always cry. Sharon is marrying a guy who lives in Guatemala. She met him out there on one of their many trips to visit the family. She met him and they seem to have hit it off. However, his English is non-existent, and his Spanish is very sparse. He speaks a Mayan dialect, which my aunt, Sharon's mom, understands. Sharon speaks Spanish pretty OK, but it's a bit chopped up. And her speaking of the dialect is non-existent. There are relationships that work this way. They don't speak the same language, but the language of love breaks all barriers, I get that. But, I get this horrible feeling about this union. I feel it may not be in her best interest.

Sharon is going to be 20 in a week. She's got it in her head that this is her "Last chance!". I can't tell her enough that it's not. But, somehow (read: my aunt) she got it into her head that this may be her only chance to be proposed to and get married. I feel as if her mom orchestrated the relationship up to this point. They dated, and called each other, then her mom and she took a trip to Guatemala and said "Sharon's going to be proposed to on this trip", she even orchestrated a dinner and a time for it to happen. It drives me bonkers. Her mother is a single mother. She's struggled because of this, but she's come out a strong woman. However, she was proposed to a couple times and she either accepted or didn't, but still...Didn't get married. There were things that just didn't work out. I think that's where this "Last Chance!" deal came from. 20 is different from 40, is different from 50, is different. I don't agree with her getting married. She's been going to college, and I feel she's throwing it out the window because she'll be living in Guatemala, and the likelyhood of her continuing is slim to none.

I was asked to be her maid of honor. I guess Matron of Honor, because I'm matronly and all. I have to say no. I feel it inside of me. I have to say No. But, the thought of seeing Sharon stand at the altar and have NO ONE standing next to her supporting her, is Killing me inside. I can't possibly go to Guatemala and do the whole show if I know in my heart that this isn't right. So, I will say no. Regretfully, because of the love I have for my cousin. I will take care of throwing her parties where she will get wonderful gifts and have a great time, but I can't stand next to her and have God and Everyone listening for the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" part, and I'll either have to say something or forever hold my peace.

Sharon has always been like the little sister I never had. She'd call me when she had bad days. She'd call me when she had good days. She'd call me and tell me I was her "best cousin/friend". I saw her grow up. I just don't know what to do to save her. At this point, all I can do is pray. Because God is the only one who can deal with this awful mess.

I am currently looking forward to:

My cousin Sharon's wedding dress fitting.
Sharon's birthday (the 11th of this month)
Going to Pahrump for my Father-in-law's birthday
Feeling Allyssa's belly again
Hugging JT
Magic Mountain
A nice cool weekend, so I can bake
Seeing long lost friends

I am not so much looking forward to:

Sharon's wedding
leaving Pahrump when it's time to go home
...finding out what this knot in the pit of my stomach means
loosing Sharon, possibly for good
A 1 1/2 hour drive to Camarillo
Saying no

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