My kingdom for a nest...

I've read many places that you come to a point in your life when you have the need to nest. Well, slap some feathers on me, because I'm looking for a new nest. We are. We need to move out of the place we're currently in. It's just gotten to be a bit much. The constant blank, vacant stare the apartment manager gives borders on insulting. The maintenance guys we love! But you don't always have the pleasure of dealing with them. We're moving!

We spent last weekend looking. It was an exhausting task. One I wasn't sure the husband would survive without biting my head off. But, he did. I did. We both did. And we didn't fight! I think him giving me direction and me just following his directions of where to go and him going through the book we had full of apartments worked out great. We saw a bunch of great places, and I think maybe we found the place!

I'm hoping this is the place. It's a duplex type house, and it's great to think we won't have to worry about countless neighbors. I think this would be good for us, so now I just hope everything goes OK and this is the place for us. I can even see us having friends over and not feeling totally embarrassed to have them over. Or have to worry about their car getting towed. Yep, that's the place we live now.

Send happy thoughts our way, and I hope we get to ...Um, Lay many eggs in our nest? Gross. I just hope we nest, happily there.

Mi familia

There's an itching that, at the moment, is all my mind can focus on. It's in my throat, and I know what this means. I will soon, let's hope not, but most likely, be sick. It's times like these when I really wish my mom was around.

Growing up my mom had these little pieces of advice she'd give you. Like "Everything fits in a jar if you know how to arrange it" In Spanish it just rolls off the tongue. In English, not so much. And she has old wives tales she swears by. When our stomachs hurt she'd give us mint tea. If we had bug bites she'd put garlic on them. If we got burnt she'd put toothpaste on them. Now most of this weirded me out. But, when you had a cold, it meant the best chicken soup complete with funky herbs she'd put in it, that I just preferred to not ask what they were. No other person makes it like her. Even my grandmother's tastes different. I miss my mom.

My parents moved out of the country almost a year ago. I miss them so much. I thought because they didn't live with me, it wouldn't be so hard. But, now I'm left to assume much of the role of Mother Hen. I gather my family on the weekends. Most time we all come together and just enjoy each other's company. I try to call everyone at least once a week to just check on them. I want to know how they are, what they plan for the weekend and I want to know if they need anything. I'm pretty good at it and it's rewarding. When my parents left my dad said "Stick close to your brothers and your aunt & cousin." and I have. It's not always easy. Sometimes I forget to call, or forget to invite people to things, but they love me and know I mean well. At least I hope they do.

I think about my family. The family I will at one point start. I want them to be close. I want them to know that no matter what, they have each other. I've heard and seen families that don't get along. They fight, don't speak to each other, and just have hatred. I am thankful each day for having my family and the relationships we have with each other. I respect and love them all so much. I am very lucky.

I am thankful that my example to my children of what a family is, is something spectacular.

Looking forward

I'll be going to Camarillo to go see Sharon, my wonderful cousin, try on her wedding dress. I'll probably cry, because I always cry. Sharon is marrying a guy who lives in Guatemala. She met him out there on one of their many trips to visit the family. She met him and they seem to have hit it off. However, his English is non-existent, and his Spanish is very sparse. He speaks a Mayan dialect, which my aunt, Sharon's mom, understands. Sharon speaks Spanish pretty OK, but it's a bit chopped up. And her speaking of the dialect is non-existent. There are relationships that work this way. They don't speak the same language, but the language of love breaks all barriers, I get that. But, I get this horrible feeling about this union. I feel it may not be in her best interest.

Sharon is going to be 20 in a week. She's got it in her head that this is her "Last chance!". I can't tell her enough that it's not. But, somehow (read: my aunt) she got it into her head that this may be her only chance to be proposed to and get married. I feel as if her mom orchestrated the relationship up to this point. They dated, and called each other, then her mom and she took a trip to Guatemala and said "Sharon's going to be proposed to on this trip", she even orchestrated a dinner and a time for it to happen. It drives me bonkers. Her mother is a single mother. She's struggled because of this, but she's come out a strong woman. However, she was proposed to a couple times and she either accepted or didn't, but still...Didn't get married. There were things that just didn't work out. I think that's where this "Last Chance!" deal came from. 20 is different from 40, is different from 50, is different. I don't agree with her getting married. She's been going to college, and I feel she's throwing it out the window because she'll be living in Guatemala, and the likelyhood of her continuing is slim to none.

I was asked to be her maid of honor. I guess Matron of Honor, because I'm matronly and all. I have to say no. I feel it inside of me. I have to say No. But, the thought of seeing Sharon stand at the altar and have NO ONE standing next to her supporting her, is Killing me inside. I can't possibly go to Guatemala and do the whole show if I know in my heart that this isn't right. So, I will say no. Regretfully, because of the love I have for my cousin. I will take care of throwing her parties where she will get wonderful gifts and have a great time, but I can't stand next to her and have God and Everyone listening for the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" part, and I'll either have to say something or forever hold my peace.

Sharon has always been like the little sister I never had. She'd call me when she had bad days. She'd call me when she had good days. She'd call me and tell me I was her "best cousin/friend". I saw her grow up. I just don't know what to do to save her. At this point, all I can do is pray. Because God is the only one who can deal with this awful mess.

I am currently looking forward to:

My cousin Sharon's wedding dress fitting.
Sharon's birthday (the 11th of this month)
Going to Pahrump for my Father-in-law's birthday
Feeling Allyssa's belly again
Hugging JT
Magic Mountain
A nice cool weekend, so I can bake
Baking!
Seeing long lost friends

I am not so much looking forward to:

Sharon's wedding
leaving Pahrump when it's time to go home
...finding out what this knot in the pit of my stomach means
loosing Sharon, possibly for good
A 1 1/2 hour drive to Camarillo
Saying no

Then it leered its ugly head...

There was the time when I was jealous without even knowing it. I was jealous of a pregnant lady. I've been my fair share of pregnant ladies. And I'm usually the one telling them to "Put down that Coke, and drink water instead!" Or the one that will run with them to 7-11 to get them that much sought after bag of sunflower seeds. But this time was different.

It was a lady from church, and she was plenty older than me. She got married and months later we get the wonderful news that she's expecting a baby. Her pregnancy seemed to last forever. It was torture to me to think that I wasn't in her place. But I didn't realize that's what it was that bugged me until my husband pointed out after my comment that "Wow, she's been pregnant forever" he said something along the lines of "It only seems that way to you". It hit me. I'm jealous.

I tried as hard as I could to not let it bother me. I even went as far as planning a baby shower for her. Anything to chase away those feelings. It didn't help that the whole time at the baby shower she didn't once direct a word toward me. I think it just made my feelings stronger. I struggled with putting those feelings aside and finally, was able to make peace knowing that my time would come...some day. Sounds pretty, but I found it hard. Really hard. I think it helped to just be happy for her.

Now, I'm around pregnancy and it just makes me excited for what may come. But I still remember the feeling of being angry and frustrated, and it scares me. How do I know I won't feel that way again? Thankfully I don't feel that way toward my family's pregnancies.

Allyssa being pregnant gives me the kind of joy I didn't know I could feel. And this will just be my niece or nephew. I already love her baby unconditionally. I want nothing but the best for it. I want them to grow up to be wonerfully amazing human beings. I want to secretly spoil them rotten. I want to tell them ghost stories, take them to toy stores, and have adventures with them, just like my aunt did with me. And having these hopes and dreams for my niece or nephew is what reminds me that there is hope.