Remember February 12th...

My grandmother passed away February 12, 2009. About 7am Guatemala time, 5am California time. My mom called me about 15 - 20 minutes after she had passed. She was a wreck. I couldn't fall back to sleep. Despite being exhausted I sat in bed and cried. When I finally started to drift back to sleep, my cousin Sharon called to tell me the news. She was a wreck. I tried to give her comforting words to help, but all I could say was..."Oh my God".

My grandmother had this way of making me smile. She had this habit of gently grabbing your nose and then bringing her hand to her lips and kissing it while saying "mi nariz". My nose. She did that for your chin, lips, ears...but mainly your nose.

I thought because she lives far and I don't see her very often that I wouldn't feel it much. I was wrong. I cried. I cried a lot. Then I got up, got ready and went to work. I was in zombie mode for most of the morning. And then Michelle asked me if I was ok. I said yes. But she didn't really think I was. So she quietly asked me what was wrong. And I told her. She hugged me, and I lost it. I got up to compose myself, and in a matter of 5 minutes I called my brother, talked to a friend and talked to my husband. I couldn't stop crying. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I went home early.

At home I tried to sleep, just to pass the time until I could figure out if I could go to Guatemala to be with my family, to see if my brother was going to go. To just hear from my family in Guatemala. But, I couldn't sleep. As much as I tried, I couldn't. I wasn't able to go to Guatemala, but my brother did. He left last week on Thursday, and arrived in time for the burial on Friday afternoon.

My father is contemplating moving back to the States because the main reason he was spending most of his time in Guatemala was because he wanted to be near my grandma. I just want him to be 100% sure of what he wants to do. I know it's not good to make decisions while you're still grieving. And right now, we're still grieving.

Drip Drop...

It has been raining for the past day, and it's wonderful. And you know what they say, when it rains, it pours...Yeah, it pours. My Grandmother in Guatemala had two more strokes yesterday in the afternoon. Last night on my way home to cook dinner and just catch up on sleep, husband time and TV, my mom called. She said my Abuela had two strokes and they had taken her to the airport. So it was up to me to get ahold of my aunt to let her know what was going on. By the time my aunt called back, she was freaking out. She was exasperatedly making plans to fly out to Guatemala last night. So she would drive herself from her home in Goleta, CA to LAX. I would then meet her at the airport, take her car and drive home in it. Meanwhile whoever drives me there would have to drive so that we would get there pretty much at the same time.

Yesterday I felt like I was drowning. I got anxious and annoyed. I love my Abuela, and I cringe at the thought of my dad having to watch all this unfold. He is happy that he's there, but my goodness what that must be like. I feel for my aunt's anxiousness to leave and be with her mother, but I don't know if that was the smartest thing.

I'm just glad tonight will not be so crazy. At least I hope it won't be. Ha. Now that I said that it will be nuts.

It's an adventure.

Shiver me fevers

"umm, I peed on a stick this morning, because I was feeling sick and the thought that maybe it's a possibility that we may be having a little us (I'm a little late), kept me from taking 'the hard stuff' for this oncoming cold. We're not having a little us...But I can take mucho medicine. WHEE!"

So I'm getting sick, and I'm a little happy I am, because frankly I could probably use a day off. I need to look at things logically. I would love to have a kid now, but the reality is, we just made the decision to focus on JT's career and make sure he's secure in that before we do anything crazy, like have a kid and I quit my job. So I'm not even sure why I had this wishful thinking about me getting pregnant. Maybe it's just a thought I tend to have when I'm late.

The up side, I'm so having coffee. And NyQuil tonight. Oh and a cheeseburger. Ok, maybe not the cheeseburger. But I'll love the heck out of that coffee.

Just amazing love year

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I love the words I use the most. Also, I need to expand my vocabulary. Thanks Happy Katie -- http://www.happykatie.com/dailies/ -- I love her site!

Surrounding me

Have you ever been in a place full of people, yet you feel alone? It's the type of feeling that surrounds you and takes over. It's the kind of feeling you get and no matter what else you try to think about, or do, it just seems to be prevalent. I felt this way for a good 2 months or so. Despite the happy face I put on, or the, everything is peachy, front that I had up, I felt alone.

Last Tuesday night I was at church and I was standing up front because they asked all the people who were going to commit themselves to work for the year to help out the church to go up. So I stood up, walked up there, and kind of hung back towards the back of the huge group of people. While standing there, Karla walked up and just put her arm around me. She told me, "I'm so happy you're here. I really need a friend. A true friend. I haven't felt like I've had a true friend here." I started to cry. I told her, "I've been feeling the same way. I love coming to church and I love the people in my life, but lately I feel I don't have True Friends." And that's when she began to cry. It was an amazing feeling knowing that I'm not alone in the feelings I have. It's even more amazing that we were brought together at that very moment. It was then that I didn't feel so alone.

I am trying to put myself out there, and I'm trying to think positive. You know, see the beauty in life. Everything around me has something beautiful in it, I just have to look hard enough. Luckily sometimes, it doesn't take much searching for me to see it. Tuesday night was one of those times.

My goodness, time has flown by

This year has been amazing. I gained a Sister-in-law, a Nephew (Liam born 12/14/08), Moved into a house we love renting, marked our 5 year anniversary and I started working out and trying to watch what I ate. There is so much more, but these are the things that really stick out in my mind.

Allyssa and Liam being added to the family has been phenomenal. It's amazing seeing Allyssa with Liam. She's a different woman. I can see that the shy girl we met not too long ago, isn't the same. She's focused on her amazingly beautiful baby boy. She's consumed with him, and it's the most darling thing to watch. She'll sit and watch him. And my heart melts just seeing that. I know next time I see Liam he'll be different. He'll look different, he'll be able to hold up his little head on his own, he may even be able to smile. I am looking forward to seeing him, and just watching him grow up to be an amazing human being.

We love the house we live in now. We're still trying to settle in, but it's happening, and I love it. Yesterday I had a day off from work, so I spent the day straightening up and doing laundry. It was so relaxing. I love the sounds of the house, the smells, the natural light, the wonderful yard. I love living there.

JT and I are 5 years into our marriage and going onto our 6th year. I'm in love with this man. I sit and talk to him and he never fails to crack me up. We sit and just talk nonsense, and it's hilarious. I love it. The most mundane things are made better by him. I think we're a great team. I cook, he cleans. I wash clothes, he helps put them away. I can't thank him enough for making my life so much better.

I am excited to see what this next year will bring. I'm about 3lbs away from having lost 40lbs. I'm excited and that just makes me want to work so much harder at this. I hope this will be the year I get pregnant and we can start growing our little family. I hope this year we prosper. I hope this year I am able to build my friendships stronger. I hope I can solidify my career. I hope I can enjoy the little things in life. Mainly I just want to have fun, no matter what happens this year.

Perfect....Just Perfect

Yesterday was my birthday. And even though I don't get that same tingle in my stomach that I used to get when I was younger, it was by far one of the most perfect days. It started with JT singing to me at midnight. Once I got to work my desk was thrashed with balloons, confetti, streamers, ribbon, etc. It was amazing. I got birthday bagels, and cakes.

Later we did some shopping for my parents, since Jason was leaving the next morning to see them. Once I got back and did some work, I got a "Can you come the conference room...There's drama" urging from Adriann. So I went. And the singing and cake with candles commenced. I'm not one to like all this attention on me, so I'm sure I was awkward, but I couldn't stop smiling. It was so thoughtful and just nice. I can't thank my friends enough.

Dinner with my family that evening. It was amazing. I wanted to have a 'mustache party', but it got postponed because of too many things going on this month. But my aunt bought us some funny nose/moustache/eye brows/glasses type things and it was hilarious! I can't begin to explain the joy of having a mini moustache party. We had cake, I got presents and money. It was fantastic. I got books, movies, little trinkets, perfume. It's like these people know me.

I keep getting things. A belated birthday pistachio cake, movies...I just don't know how to say that this last day and a half has been amazing. I am beyond happy.