My kingdom for a nest...

I've read many places that you come to a point in your life when you have the need to nest. Well, slap some feathers on me, because I'm looking for a new nest. We are. We need to move out of the place we're currently in. It's just gotten to be a bit much. The constant blank, vacant stare the apartment manager gives borders on insulting. The maintenance guys we love! But you don't always have the pleasure of dealing with them. We're moving!

We spent last weekend looking. It was an exhausting task. One I wasn't sure the husband would survive without biting my head off. But, he did. I did. We both did. And we didn't fight! I think him giving me direction and me just following his directions of where to go and him going through the book we had full of apartments worked out great. We saw a bunch of great places, and I think maybe we found the place!

I'm hoping this is the place. It's a duplex type house, and it's great to think we won't have to worry about countless neighbors. I think this would be good for us, so now I just hope everything goes OK and this is the place for us. I can even see us having friends over and not feeling totally embarrassed to have them over. Or have to worry about their car getting towed. Yep, that's the place we live now.

Send happy thoughts our way, and I hope we get to ...Um, Lay many eggs in our nest? Gross. I just hope we nest, happily there.

Mi familia

There's an itching that, at the moment, is all my mind can focus on. It's in my throat, and I know what this means. I will soon, let's hope not, but most likely, be sick. It's times like these when I really wish my mom was around.

Growing up my mom had these little pieces of advice she'd give you. Like "Everything fits in a jar if you know how to arrange it" In Spanish it just rolls off the tongue. In English, not so much. And she has old wives tales she swears by. When our stomachs hurt she'd give us mint tea. If we had bug bites she'd put garlic on them. If we got burnt she'd put toothpaste on them. Now most of this weirded me out. But, when you had a cold, it meant the best chicken soup complete with funky herbs she'd put in it, that I just preferred to not ask what they were. No other person makes it like her. Even my grandmother's tastes different. I miss my mom.

My parents moved out of the country almost a year ago. I miss them so much. I thought because they didn't live with me, it wouldn't be so hard. But, now I'm left to assume much of the role of Mother Hen. I gather my family on the weekends. Most time we all come together and just enjoy each other's company. I try to call everyone at least once a week to just check on them. I want to know how they are, what they plan for the weekend and I want to know if they need anything. I'm pretty good at it and it's rewarding. When my parents left my dad said "Stick close to your brothers and your aunt & cousin." and I have. It's not always easy. Sometimes I forget to call, or forget to invite people to things, but they love me and know I mean well. At least I hope they do.

I think about my family. The family I will at one point start. I want them to be close. I want them to know that no matter what, they have each other. I've heard and seen families that don't get along. They fight, don't speak to each other, and just have hatred. I am thankful each day for having my family and the relationships we have with each other. I respect and love them all so much. I am very lucky.

I am thankful that my example to my children of what a family is, is something spectacular.

Looking forward

I'll be going to Camarillo to go see Sharon, my wonderful cousin, try on her wedding dress. I'll probably cry, because I always cry. Sharon is marrying a guy who lives in Guatemala. She met him out there on one of their many trips to visit the family. She met him and they seem to have hit it off. However, his English is non-existent, and his Spanish is very sparse. He speaks a Mayan dialect, which my aunt, Sharon's mom, understands. Sharon speaks Spanish pretty OK, but it's a bit chopped up. And her speaking of the dialect is non-existent. There are relationships that work this way. They don't speak the same language, but the language of love breaks all barriers, I get that. But, I get this horrible feeling about this union. I feel it may not be in her best interest.

Sharon is going to be 20 in a week. She's got it in her head that this is her "Last chance!". I can't tell her enough that it's not. But, somehow (read: my aunt) she got it into her head that this may be her only chance to be proposed to and get married. I feel as if her mom orchestrated the relationship up to this point. They dated, and called each other, then her mom and she took a trip to Guatemala and said "Sharon's going to be proposed to on this trip", she even orchestrated a dinner and a time for it to happen. It drives me bonkers. Her mother is a single mother. She's struggled because of this, but she's come out a strong woman. However, she was proposed to a couple times and she either accepted or didn't, but still...Didn't get married. There were things that just didn't work out. I think that's where this "Last Chance!" deal came from. 20 is different from 40, is different from 50, is different. I don't agree with her getting married. She's been going to college, and I feel she's throwing it out the window because she'll be living in Guatemala, and the likelyhood of her continuing is slim to none.

I was asked to be her maid of honor. I guess Matron of Honor, because I'm matronly and all. I have to say no. I feel it inside of me. I have to say No. But, the thought of seeing Sharon stand at the altar and have NO ONE standing next to her supporting her, is Killing me inside. I can't possibly go to Guatemala and do the whole show if I know in my heart that this isn't right. So, I will say no. Regretfully, because of the love I have for my cousin. I will take care of throwing her parties where she will get wonderful gifts and have a great time, but I can't stand next to her and have God and Everyone listening for the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" part, and I'll either have to say something or forever hold my peace.

Sharon has always been like the little sister I never had. She'd call me when she had bad days. She'd call me when she had good days. She'd call me and tell me I was her "best cousin/friend". I saw her grow up. I just don't know what to do to save her. At this point, all I can do is pray. Because God is the only one who can deal with this awful mess.

I am currently looking forward to:

My cousin Sharon's wedding dress fitting.
Sharon's birthday (the 11th of this month)
Going to Pahrump for my Father-in-law's birthday
Feeling Allyssa's belly again
Hugging JT
Magic Mountain
A nice cool weekend, so I can bake
Baking!
Seeing long lost friends

I am not so much looking forward to:

Sharon's wedding
leaving Pahrump when it's time to go home
...finding out what this knot in the pit of my stomach means
loosing Sharon, possibly for good
A 1 1/2 hour drive to Camarillo
Saying no

Then it leered its ugly head...

There was the time when I was jealous without even knowing it. I was jealous of a pregnant lady. I've been my fair share of pregnant ladies. And I'm usually the one telling them to "Put down that Coke, and drink water instead!" Or the one that will run with them to 7-11 to get them that much sought after bag of sunflower seeds. But this time was different.

It was a lady from church, and she was plenty older than me. She got married and months later we get the wonderful news that she's expecting a baby. Her pregnancy seemed to last forever. It was torture to me to think that I wasn't in her place. But I didn't realize that's what it was that bugged me until my husband pointed out after my comment that "Wow, she's been pregnant forever" he said something along the lines of "It only seems that way to you". It hit me. I'm jealous.

I tried as hard as I could to not let it bother me. I even went as far as planning a baby shower for her. Anything to chase away those feelings. It didn't help that the whole time at the baby shower she didn't once direct a word toward me. I think it just made my feelings stronger. I struggled with putting those feelings aside and finally, was able to make peace knowing that my time would come...some day. Sounds pretty, but I found it hard. Really hard. I think it helped to just be happy for her.

Now, I'm around pregnancy and it just makes me excited for what may come. But I still remember the feeling of being angry and frustrated, and it scares me. How do I know I won't feel that way again? Thankfully I don't feel that way toward my family's pregnancies.

Allyssa being pregnant gives me the kind of joy I didn't know I could feel. And this will just be my niece or nephew. I already love her baby unconditionally. I want nothing but the best for it. I want them to grow up to be wonerfully amazing human beings. I want to secretly spoil them rotten. I want to tell them ghost stories, take them to toy stores, and have adventures with them, just like my aunt did with me. And having these hopes and dreams for my niece or nephew is what reminds me that there is hope.

Back in the swing of things

We went, we saw, we played games, we ate, we (not I) fished, we had a wonderful time. It was amazing. The Farmhouse we stayed in was beautiful. I have decided that some time in the future, I want a farmhouse to call mine. Mind you, I love California and I'm a city girl and I probably won't be too happy after 1 month there, but I want it. We had so much fun, it was sad to see it all end. I just about cried when we left the "Buffalo Bistro" after having dinner with the family. Seeing everyone going off one way and JT and I going another...it was almost heartbreaking.

I love that my family bonds over board games. Mind you we also cooked and shopped and ate Spectacular Pie, but the games. Oh how I love the games. I'm convinced Michelle cheats. She somehow always wins. Oh and then when you start to catch up she tells you to "Suck it". Not really, but with my bad hearing, that's what I hear. I really bonded with my family even more. I got to feel Allyssa's belly and I'm convinced I touched the baby's butt. I'm proud of Allyssa for starting herself on a meal plan. It's something that can only help her and the baby. I'm anxious to have my niece or nephew here. Oh how they'll make birthdays and christmas so much more exciting.

We had great food. Michelle can cook! It was too cute watching her and Jared cook together. They are simply adorable together. We tried watching 1 movie about 3 times, and we all fell asleep after about 15 minutes. I am so happy I got to go. And we're planning to go back, for a whole week next time. I can't wait.

So back to the routine of work, church, family, and gym. We lifted weights yesterday. I'm anxious to get things tighter. And judging from the soreness in my upper body (It was so hard to get dressed this morning), we were in desperate need of it. Of course, when you're in the pool no one tells you you're doing it wrong and you can die or become paralyzed from the machines, but it's a great experience. One of the trainers insisted on telling me I could die from the way I was using a machine. So I'll make sure to read the instructions on the machines. I promised JT.

My wonderful JT. I loved spending all those days with him. He went off fishing a couple days, and it was great for him and his dad and brothers. But I loved getting up and spending time with him. We'll be married 5 years in a couple months and it's a HUGE deal to us. We're planning on going out of town for the weekend and just do stuff we love to do. I am more in love with him now than I was when we got married. He really is the love of my life, and I can't thank him enough for making my life that much better.

I'm in a really good place right now. And I'm happy about that.

A fishin' we will go

JT's parents rented a cabin in Utah. We're going up there Wednesday morning. Tuesday night we leave California and head to Nevada, where we will sleep a few hours and wake the next morning to a busy house trying to get all their stuff together. We'll all hit the road and be on our way to Utah. I am So excited.

Growing up I was a huge fan of camping. My mom was amazing. She would give us each a thing to be in charge of. And we'd help her get that thing together. She always over packed food, and it drove me nuts. Why so much food mom? Why always packing pots, pans, skillets, coffee pots, Do we really need a huge salt shaker? But she knew why she took that stuff. She'd make us feasts while we camped. My favorite thing in the world, to this day, is waking up under the blankets, while outdoors in a tent and smelling pancakes. I live for that! She'd make us fresh salsa, fresh beans, fresh everything. Sure she could open a can and get some bean-type substance, but Cooking and caring for her family was always how my mom showed her love.

This trip won't be camping. It'll be staying in a cabin. And I'm so happy. Frankly, after my family camping trips, which usually involved the WHOLE church, we'd get back and be exhausted. I think I may still be exhausted, but it won't be quite as bad.

I'm excited to spend time with the McCartys. Last time we went and stayed in a cabin it was with the majority of the Halls. My mother-in-law's family. It was fun. Tons of fun. But oh man, it was hectic. I'm not sure I was prepared for that. We stayed a few days and then spent another day in Pahrump. This time around it'll be Tim & Cindy, Gramps & Grandma, Matt & Allyssa, Jared & Michelle, Evan, and JT and I. It'll be a small group of people I love so much. It's exciting.

Preparing for the trip is an adventure in itself. Of course I want to take everything. I MUST have new shoes. I MUST have new tops. I MUST buy economy sized bottles of shampoo, because Lord knows it won't be enough having a regular sized bottle. I'm a little nuts when it comes to packing. For this reason, I am starting now. Starting to gather and then I can slowly cut back the amount of stuff I take. Let's hope there's enough room in the back of the car.

I will take walks with Allyssa and Michelle and take many many pictures. I will play games, I'm sure Phase10 will be one of those. I will sit and rub Allyssa's belly. I will watch movies. I will enjoy nature. I will read books. I will cook. I will enjoy cooking. I will sit and just relax. I will whip some of my beloved family members at MarioKart for the Wii. I will enjoy myself. I will have a fabulous time with MY family.

I can't wait.

Sweets...

My sister-in-law is a sweetheart.  Allyssa is a very sweet girl, and I love her.  I've only known her for a short time, but I have to say the fact that we have a "Cyber" relationship has brought us closer together.  We email frequently.  We email quite frequently.  Whenever my blackberry makes that funny little noise that means I have a message and I see it's her, I MUST read it immediately.  Often I feel I need to reply right away.  I've gotten to know her and love her more with each email.  When I saw her this past weekend, I just wanted to hug her and not let go.  She's having a baby!! This is going to be my first Niece or Nephew.  And it's exciting!  I am so happy that this is happening.  It's a crazy ride, and I hope to be there to help in any way I can.

Allyssa emailed me tonight and said some incredibly kind things to me.  She read my blog and she said something along the lines of "you may have a hard time now, but you know what, it's for the best" and she sweetly ended her email with "I'm sorry if that made you mad".  

First, She's right.  Even though it's hard now, it'll get better.  No matter what, I will be a mom.  It may not be the way we thought it would happen, or maybe it will.  We don't know, but with all this stuff I'm going through now I will appreciate my children so much because of it.  Not that people who got pregnant right off the bat don't appreciate their kids, but this will make my story personal to me, and a little different.  Personally, it's a wonderful thought.  Thank you Allyssa.  

Secondly, You didn't make me mad.  I'm usually okay with it.  I can grin and bare the question of when we're going to have kids most of the time.  Actually it makes me smile that people just know we'll be good parents.  If you don't get the question, that's when you worry.  Ha.  Yeah, I don't usually mind it.  But then there are people who assume that by me saying "soon" I'm saying "Oh, not until things are all perfect"  I don't want to hear "You're never ready, just go for it"  Seriously?  You're never ready?  You can at least try, right?  We're ready.  Mind you, we may need to buy child safe plug covers and maybe something to hide all the wires in the house, but otherwise...READY!  It's ok to ask.  I love that you want that for us too.  I want badly to have that cousin for your Little.  

I struggle sweets, but watching you be pregnant and see you get all cute and just so beautiful, well, it gives me a glimpse into the beauty that is the circle of life.  Thank you for caring.  You mean a lot to me.