I saw you today...

I lay down, and stare at a screen up on the wall. The kind lady with the latex gloves on says "This is warm" and puts goop on my belly. Then she begins. All I see is black and shades of gray. She zooms in, and there you are. First I can see your head. Then your hands, up on your face. And a fluttering heart. It's all so odd, and beautiful. And then I see you putting your hands up and down, moving them around. I laughed, and just fell more in love with you.

In that moment, you became my reason for getting up in the morning. For making myself go to the gym. For eating the less appetizing, but better for me food. For everything. In that moment, I changed. I'm showing everyone the little gray pictures they gave me. And I'm excited that you are alive and well in there. I'll make sure to take good care of us.

Turns out I'm not at 13 weeks today as the Dr. previously thought. Instead my due date is being moved to January 23rd. Let's hope your Uncle Evan is happy you'll be close to his birthday. So I'm stuck at 11 weeks, going on 12. Frustrating because I want to know if you'll be a little boy or a little girl. I want to hold you, I want you to be here already. But, good, because I have a little more time to enjoy this special journey, and to prepare.

I saw you today. And it was perfect.

Wonderful...Just wonderful...

Went to Pahrump to visit the in-laws and had an absolutely amazing time. We ate, we stayed up late, we napped, we just plain enjoyed everyone. It was amazing to be able to just sit and talk about the baby. How I feel, what the plans are, name choices, everything. It's amazing to be able to just sit and be excited about the baby's arrival. We have time, lots of time. But, it's just so great to hear every one's input.

I even came out of this weekend with a new swim suit and a tan from the pool. I can't even put into words how amazing JT's family is. I left, and immediately missed them. I just cannot wait to go back. If only the trip were shorter. 4 hours was never much, especially when JT made that trip out to see me, way back when, but now it's a lot trickier to not drink anything on the drive, because I will just have to stop at the nearest rest room, if I do. And trying to stay awake has proven to be futile. I fall asleep before we get on the freeway.

Things are changing and I'm excited. We've started talking about what we'll do, what we'll change, where we'll put things. We're excited and anxious. We can hardly wait. But we're so very grateful to have about 6 months to go.

Funny guy...

The Dr. brings the speaker right between us, and we hear that precious heart beating.

Me: Oh my goodness. That's really...Wow...
Him: What's that kid, running a race?


I got pamphlets, vitamin samples, instructions, and a follow up appointment. As we walked out he holds my hand and says:

Anything you want, it's yours. All my money, everything I have. It's yours

I think he's in awe of me carrying his child. But I'm in awe of him for making this possible.

Ba Bump, Ba Bump...

As I lay on the exam table, my husband at my side, naked from the waist down, the Dr. searches for it. She moves around the doppler and all the while, I want to hold my breathe, just so I don't breathe too loud, so I don't miss it. I try to quietly answer and respond to her pleasant conversation.

Then suddenly...Ba bump, ba bump, ba bump...

I heard my baby's heart. Fast, loud, tiny little heart, beating. I heard our baby. JT grabbed my hand and I just smiled and kept fighting the tears. I'm really having a baby.

I've begun telling more people and it feels great to just let the news sink in. That I'm really, truly having a baby. I have so much planning and preparing to do. But first, we go to Nevada next weekend and celebrate the 4th of July and the baby.

I'm happy, excited, nervous, elated, and eternally greatful. We're having a baby!

Anxiously awaiting...

I have an appointment with a Dr. who will look at my insides. It will be my first prenatal appointment. My wonderful husband is going with me, and I can't thank him enough for being so considerate and supportive. I'm nervous, and he keeps telling me "Everything will be ok. Trust me. I know these things" And I do, but not long after I'll freak out again.

I've had trouble believing this miracle has really happened to us. So I have kept it mostly under wraps, except for family and a small circle of friends, until...well, today. After today's appointment, where I hope they'll let me hear a heart beat, or see something, or the Dr. will shake me and tell me that I really am pregnant, Then I'll tell the world. Then I'll be emailing, texting, calling...Telling everyone I know.

I want this more than I can even express, and I feel like I just need to hang on a little longer until it all comes true. Or at least until I'm convinced it all came true.

My mother-in-law is a midwife, and I ask her a million questions. I talk to her about all the fears and worries I have. It's nice to have her available to me. It's a blessing. But I can't wait until I can go and show her a picture, or tell her I heard the heart beat. Something...Anything...

I'm anxiously awaiting my baby.

Whisper...

I went to the Dr. and she talked to me for a while. Asked me some questions, and said "well, how do you feel about being pregnant?" Just like that. My eyes were huge. I told her "We've been really hoping this would happen for a long time, but it caught me by surprise" She smiled and said I was about 8 weeks...Holy Cow...That's 2 months. That leaves me approximately 7 months to get ready. I won't be ready! Wait, shouldn't she do something more than just talk to me?

So I asked her, if I needed any further tests, and she said "No. You took 2 tests, and they were positive. Make an appointment with the OBGYN, and Congratulations!"

At this point I'm afraid if I say it too much or too loud it will all come un-true. It will be taken away from me. Or it'll be a false alarm. I've only told my family and a small group of friends. I feel the need to whisper it, just in case it isn't really happening to me.

I have an appointment on the 23rd, and I really hope I can at least hear a heartbeat, or have the OBGYN confirm that it's true. Maybe then I will be certain that I'm not just dreaming. We've wanted this for so long, and I almost can't believe it. The moments where I completely believe it, those are some wonderful moments. I can't wait to go to the Dr. That's the first time I've ever said that. Thank God for this.

I want to always remember...

Monday morning I woke up with a thought in the back of my mind. I got up, and before starting my routine, I decided to give this thought room to breathe. I grabbed a test from the drawer. After taking the test, I held my breath, closed my eyes and said a little prayer

If this isn't to be, protect my heart.
If this is to be, Thank You! Thank You! and, prepare me for what is to come...
If this isn't to be, protect my heart.
If this is to be, Thank You! Thank You! and, prepare me for what is to come...



And with that I opened my eyes, unwrapped the test and I saw two lines.


I couldn't believe it. It still feels surreal. I feel like I dreamt this all up. Feel like all of this would happen to me, but is it really happening to me? I'm calling the Dr. as soon as her office opens to make an appointment. Don't want to get too happy before anything is for sure. But it's nice to have a happy little surprise every now and then.