Here we go...

My mobile boy...

2011-01-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

December 28th was the first day he decided to really let go of any one's hand and just go for it. He had taken steps before and we knew he could do it, but that was the evening when he actually lost his sense of fear. Since then he has been non-stop. Now, nothing is safe.

My child has always been a curious boy, he has always wanted to know what that thing does, how does this work and "hey I wonder what this tastes like", but now it's amplified. He's a climber, and he uses toys, brushes, anything within reach to augment his reach. His nerve and curiosity keeps me on my toes and I love it.

It's wonderful.

One year...

2011-01-18T09:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a year since we've had our boy, and it's amazing to see how much life has changed. We get a wake up call from him that is joined by a smile and some babbling. It's the greatest way to wake up. I love him so, and I hope he knows it.

We had a wonderful party for him this past weekend, it was fun. I'm glad Michelle took tons of pictures, since I was busy during the party. Anything for our boy.

7 months...

2010-08-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

For 7 months we've had our boy with us now. He's amazing in the way he just jumps right in and does things. No fear, no apprehension, no timid bone in his body. I always wanted an adventurous child. A child who would be willing to try it all, and so far it looks like that's what we have. Our boy is an amazing source of joy and I am so blessed and privileged to be his mother.

The Kid is almost crawling, he pulls himself in whichever direction he'd like to go. He hasn't figured out that if he were to use his legs too it would be so much faster. He gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth. He's so close to being mobile that it just astonishes me how quickly we got from having to sit in front of the living room window to help do away with the jaundice, to now having to baby proof the house. Time has just flown past us.

My boy has two teeth and is definitely working on two more. He's a huge fan of food. He showed interest shortly before the first tooth made an appearance and he hasn't looked back since.

He's entertaining and loves to put on a show. He makes funny faces, smiles and places his hand on your face if you even pay him the slightest bit of attention. He's an incredibly social little guy, and that's forced us to be more social. It's a wonder how children bring you out of your comfort zone.

Tonight will be the first night we go out without him. I'm happy, because this is a little bit of freedom that I didn't have just weeks before. I'm scared, because I've been with him since he was born, and aside from a trip to the gym or the grocery store, I haven't been away from him. I know it'll only be a couple hours, and he loves his uncle, but I'll worry. I'm just wired that way. I'm excited to reconnect with my husband. Just to be able to talk to him over the table or hold his hand, I really am looking forward to tonight.

In the past 7 months my life has changed. I look forward to just taking a stroll with my boy. I look forward to having to run after my child. I look forward to hearing him call me "momma". I look forward to the new adventures we will have. And when I look back I see that this child of mine has given my life a new meaning. And I can't thank him enough for that.

The calm...

2010-06-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

For a few weeks we've been really busy, especially during the weekend. What little of it we have we use up getting things done. We try really hard to enjoy the time we have together as a family. We've gone to visit family and had family come visit us. And it's been wonderful. I'm so happy to have The Kid have his family around him. He loves to put on a show for people when they come around. But, this weekend has been quiet. My brothers are off working and the other one is camping, so it's just our small little family, and it's been so wonderful. We've had a quiet morning of catching up on house work, enjoying some hanging out and then putting The Kid down for a nice long nap. It's been great to just sit and enjoy each other.

I can hear my boy sleeping in the other room, because he now laughs in his sleep. Creepy the first time it happened. Now it's just part of what makes him mine. I'm in the middle of folding laundry and JT is playing a game. We're just enjoying our day.

In the next few weeks we'll be busy with visitors and going to Nevada for the holiday, this is the calm, and we're really enjoying every minute of it.

Life is wonderful...

2010-06-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

My life is different from what it was 1 year ago. It's amazing, yet so odd. I am at home with my boy now and I would not change it for the world. He makes my life wonderful. I have such a good time with this little guy, he's got a wonderful personality. I can't wait until we see how his personality develops, he's showing glimpses of having a great personality and sense of humor. Whenever I fake die he just about has a fit laughing. I could not have designed him better myself.

My little chunk of a man is making every single day wonderful and I can't thank him enough for it.

The birth story...

2010-02-23T14:53:00.000-08:00

After my mother-in-law came in to town we headed to IKEA and walked my pregnant butt all up and down that store. IKEA is huge. We bought a crib. We came home and just sort of crashed. Saturday, the 16th we stayed home and just hung out. I convinced my brother that "if you build it, he will come" so that he could help us put the crib together. As we began putting it together I started feeling small contractions.

Sunday morning, the 17th I woke up at 3am with a contraction unlike any I had felt before and thought "ow! Oh my goodness, this may be it. I think today is the day". As the day wore on, I tried napping, I tried eating, I tried to get my mind off of things, and just relax as the contractions kept coming and getting more intense. In the afternoon my mom and mother-in-law went to the store, and JT, my brother and I stayed at home playing some video games. Pausing when I'd get a contraction. When I had to pause twice before passing a level, we realized we should start timing contractions. We timed them and they got longer and closer together. My mom-in-law came home and checked me. 3 centimeters.

Around 6pm I was about 5 centimeters. By the time it was around 8pm I was 7 centimeters. That was the moment we decided to go to the hospital. As we were getting everything together and got in the car and to the hospital, my contractions slowed. I had to brace myself a few times because of contractions on my way up to the labor and delivery room.

It took me a few hours to get back into the groove of contractions. Finally around 12am I was at about 8 centimeters, and there I stayed for too long. At this point the nurse from heaven came in and checked me while I was having a contraction. Nothing like having something up in there when your uterus is contracting. There was a lip that wasn't going up over his head. So I was supposed to bare down while she pulled my uterus up over his head when I was having a contraction. Pain. Oh God, the pain. I just followed directions. Get up and rock, I got up and rocked my hips. Sway, I swayed. Back on the bed, I was back on the bed. Legs up, I put my legs up. Lift your bottom and push, I did. Chin to your chest, legs up, and push. I did. I kept hearing, "You're pushing in your face, you need to push in your bottom" uhhh, OK? How does one go about pushing in the face? How does one direct the pushing to your bottom? Finally I realized they wanted me to do whatever it was that was increasing the pain. Oh, you want me to make it hurt more? Gotcha.

I kept pushing until I hear my mother-in-law telling me how much of his head she can see. "I can see this much!" as she holds up a dime sized circle shape with her hands. Then quarter sized, then half-dollar sized, then bigger, and bigger...and bigger. For some strange reason I didn't realize that we were pushing him out yet. I just thought the uterus was going up over his head. I was wrong. I kept thinking that I just needed a quick break to just catch my breathe, because after you hold your breathe to push, trying to catch your breathe when it's over without hyperventilating is actually kind of hard. But the contractions were coming one on top of each other, there was no stopping. I even heard the nurses commenting that "poor thing, she's getting no breaks". Next thing I know, my Dr. is standing at the "head of the table" and I have a baby on my chest. I'm in awe and I just can't believe it. They ask me to talk to him, and all I can say is 'Hello....Oh my God...Hi baby boy' as he stares right into my eyes.

My mom is a ball of tears, my mother-in-law is a ball of tears, they're hugging and kissing JT and me and I'm still in awe. They see The Kid, they rush out and let my brothers and aunt and cousin, who have been waiting in the waiting room the whole time, come in and see him. It's a blur, but I distinctly recall telling the nurse from heaven that I will name my daughter after her. She totally helped me beyond the call of duty. At this point my family leaves and we get to just hold The Kid after the nurse bathed him. At that point I held him and it hit me. I teared up as I told JT "He's ours. He's finally here." I cried and I just couldn't contain myself anymore.

Our little family is doing well. We're starting to get into a schedule. We couldn't be happier and we're all so in love with each other. It's amazing. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Surreal

2010-02-06T20:56:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to get online and simply type a little something to remind me of the beauty that was my child's birth. Something to put into writing the miracle that took place on the 18th of January. At this point I will simply say that if it hadn't been for my "birth team" and the amazing thing that is hormones and adrenaline and the grace of God, I would still be in that labor room refusing to push or refusing to do what my body was crying out for. It was not by my will alone that this little boy of mine is here. A lot of wonderful people worked really hard at getting him here, and I love them for it.

My husband, who was an amazing strength for me. Not only was he what kept me calm, but he literally pushed my head down into my chest to keep me pushing. I love him eternally for being so wonderful and strong that day.

My mother-in-law, Cindy, for bringing in her knowledge and love and really making me focus and making sure I knew that in the end, even though she really did a lot of work, that I am the one that pushed that baby out.

My mother, for praying her heart out and being a complete ball of tears the moment my child came out. I couldn't have experienced it all the way I did had it not been for her.

The group of nurses that literally got on the floor, got all up in it, and cheered me on. I know they were placed there by a higher power, because I'm just not that lucky.

Being that I never really got together and specified that this would be my "birth team", it all fell into place and I truly could not have had the birth experience that I did without them. I will type out my birth story and specify the wonderful aspects that I remember, but for now, there is a little man that is crying out to be fed. And I will run to him, feed him and make him happy.

Ok, ow!

2009-12-30T12:50:00.000-08:00

Just a little bit of pain this weekend. Enough for me to know that 1. The Kid has dropped. He is now low into my pelvic region, and shows no signs of deciding to move up north. Sitting is now painful and 2. Even though it's not enough for me to think Labor is starting, it's enough for me to know that it's sooner, rather than later. So home I will stay after this week.

I've had a wonderful pregnancy. But, I am getting the "You look tired" comments left and right. Maybe more napping and some wonderful cashing in of 2 60 minute massages Cindy bought me for Christmas/Birthday would work wonders. Since I've got (according to my little calendar here) about 3 weeks and 3 days until my due date, I may use one next week, and one after The Kid makes his appearance. Just as a nice treat.

My family is making a trip up north this weekend. Only 1 1/2 hours away, close enough so that I feel comfortable going, but if anything happens before then, I'll be staying home. Really it was my idea. I have been craving a burger from King Felafel's in Santa Maria. Oh how I dream of their fries and juicy burgers. It will come true this weekend.

This kid better know what I sacrifice for him. :)

Multiplied...

2009-12-24T11:12:00.000-08:00

We were in the Christmas mood a few weeks ago and decided to put up a tree and put on some decorations. It was fun. We strung popcorn and cranberries. Our tree was without gifts until a few weeks ago. One showed up. Then another...and another....And now there's no room under that tree.

We're blessed to be able to gift each other with small, and wonderful things. We're blessed to have each other to give things to. We're blessed to have others think of us while doing some shopping. We're blessed to witness another Christmas in our lives. This is the last Christmas with us being a couple. Now we'll be a family, and we're so very blessed that this is the case.

JT and I were talking about how this baby of ours was a long time coming. We are so very ready to have him here. We're so very ready to be a family. We're already started to debate who's Christmas traditions The Kid will get to experience.

Personally, I think there's something magical about opening presents Christmas Morning. But, I have always loved our tradition of opening gifts at the stroke of midnight on Christmas day, and then playing a rousing game of Hide-n-Seek. I guess we have some time to figure it out. And we have time to start our own traditions.

All I know is that we have multiplied.

Birthdays and baby showers and ultrasounds...

2009-12-21T12:59:00.000-08:00

The 12th I had a surprise baby shower at church. It was lovely. The weather was horrible, so maybe 1/2 of the people that were going to be there showed up, but you couldn't even tell. The food was amazing, the games were fun (I won 1 of them), and I got more clothes than this baby may be able to wear.

The 15th I had an ultrasound. My mom got to catch a fuzzy glimpse at her first grandchild. It was grainy and hard to see. I did make out cute chubby toes. I can't wait. He seems to be measuring on-point with his due date, but the Dr. will talk to me more about it tomorrow at my appointment.

The 16th was my birthday. 28 years. I never thought I'd be pregnant at 28. A mom at 28. I had just assumed that by now this would be old hat for me. I'm glad this is how it's happening though, because The Kid comes at a perfect time for us. We're mature, and ready to teach him all we know. And we're ready to learn a ton from him.

At this point I feel ready to have this baby. I feel like we're prepared and now all that's left is some last minute Christmas shopping and to enjoy the holidays with family. What a good way to finish off this pregnancy. Family, food, and fun.

OK Kid, come when you're ready.

Closer....

2009-12-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

With a smile, a hug and some tears, I greeted my mother at the airport. She wrapped her arms around me and said 'Oh...How are you?!' I responded that I was doing great. And then she put her hand on my belly and asked 'How's my baby doing?'...with that it all felt right.

She told me her stories of pregnancy and motherhood as we drove home. My other family members were in the car too, but it could have just been us. Me and my mom. She caught me up on news of the family in Guatemala, and how my dad was doing. Turns out, they're great. My dad is bummed he couldn't come out too, but he's good.

Having my mom here is one step closer to this baby coming. Having her close to me just makes everything feel like it is in its place. Now to get my dad here.

Well color me surprised...

2009-12-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

Friday I had a surprise baby shower at work. My co-workers gathered, there was a ton of food and even gifts. I seriously could not express how amazing they all are for doing this for me. I was surprised and had a blast. It was quite possibly one of the best lunches I've had in a long time. We sat and talked, ate, and laughed. Seriously what could be better?

I am eternally grateful for the kindness and generosity of friends.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

2009-12-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

It's beginning to look a lot like I'm going to give birth to a pretty large baby. A lot of it is me, I'd like to think, but I can feel him so close to the surface that I know that's not going to be true. I'm still 8 weeks away from the due date, so I know I aint seen nothin' yet.

It's beginning to look a lot like we're home. Starting to settle in and get ready for my mom to make her appearance next week. I'm happy that every day it feels more and more like home.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I just had to. I am much more in the Christmas spirit than I was in years past. I suddenly want to make things so next year we can do them again and add to this. A tradition here and there. We will definitely be having our traditional Hide-n-Seek game with all the lights out on Christmas Eve. And that's just the way we like it.

It's beginning to look a lot like we're really gearing up to have this baby. Baby books everywhere with creases on the covers and bookmarks in them. Bags of baby clothes and baby cloth diapers. I feel good about our progress, but we're nowhere near ready.

I hope he can wait a little longer. Mom and Dad need just a little more time.

Off we go...

2009-11-24T15:07:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow evening we'll be heading out to Pahrump. We'll make the trip and stop every hour, because The Kid loves to punch me in the bladder every so often. This may be our last trip to Pahrump for a while. By the time Christmas comes around I'll be far enough along that I won't be able to fathom making the 4 hour trip. Even with frequent stops. I'm sort of dreading it now, but I want to go more than anything. So we will go. After The Kid is here, I'm sure it'll be a while before we make the trip again. Family will just have to come to us. All a part of my evil plan to make my family and JT's family come to California.

My brothers, aunt and cousin will all be going to Nevada with us. I'm excited. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to spend the holiday with them, but thankfully I get the best of both worlds. It's wonderful.

JT's family is known for having an obscene amount of pies and desserts. I promise, that is not the reason I married him. Although, it was the cherry on top. I cannot wait!

Getting closer...

2009-11-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

We're getting closer to being done moving. We have some minor cleaning and a few things to get from the old house, and then we're done. All that will be left is settling in.

We're getting closer to the end of this pregnancy. I go back to the Dr. in 2 weeks. I'm anxious that this will almost be the end.

We're getting closer to being in Nevada with my family and JT's family for the holiday. Just being close to all of them will make it a wonderful holiday.

We're getting closer to being prepared for The Kid. I think that once this move is completely done and Thanksgiving is over, we'll be able to start getting some things for The Kid.

We're getting closer to having this wonderful little guy in our lives. I just can't wait.

Hectic...

2009-11-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

This week has been just hectic. Work has been hectic. Life has been hectic. Just hectic.

We are signing the paperwork for the new house we'll be renting tonight. Then we can start moving in. Trying to get all the utilities on and in our name ASAP, isn't always easy when some places are old school and require you to walk in there yourself. Who does that anymore? Seriously? So I'll take care of that Wednesday which will be our last 1 month appointment to the Dr. After Wednesday's appointment, we'll be going in every 2 weeks. The end is near.

Work has been a pain. A busy, hectic, nagging pain. But I'm employed, and I can seriously thank God for that. Money is good. The more work I feel like I did, the more came in. Fun, fun.

This weekend will be hectic with moving, but a good kind of hectic. The kind of hectic that will end with pancakes and new cupboards to fill with all our dishes. I love moving in to a new place, but oh the soreness I will feel. Umm...can't wait?

He will not sleep in a drawer...

2009-11-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

We may have found a place. Like may have, to the point where I already notified our current landlord about us leaving. May have, like we may be able to move in this weekend. I'm excited, overwhelmed, and just ready to start. It's a roomier place than where we are now. 2 more bedrooms, and a nice big spacey back yard. The front yard is fenced in as well, which will make The Kid playing in the front yard a nice thing.

We will be signing lease agreements on Friday. I think it's great that we'll be able to go at our own pace for a few weeks. I can't do too much because of The Kid, and we are all hoping we still get to go to Pahrump for Thanksgiving. I miss JT's family. It'll be nice to see them all.

Now let's all cross our fingers that things continue to move forward with this.

A place to rest my head...

2009-11-06T13:15:00.000-08:00

We've recently begun to think about moving. Again. It's frustrating because I know we need more space. I know we need to move to a place that works better for us. I'd love to buy a house, but we're not in a position to do that right now. I wish we were.

We thought about getting my other brother to move in with us and get a place that would have enough for for all of us. That way we'd be comfortable. We're trying to figure out the logistics of that. What with me being in my 3rd trimester already and not being able to move much of anything myself. Let alone packing...It sounds like a real chore.

Though I love the idea of having a space for The Kid. We'll see what happens. Right now it's all in the air.

Birthday bash!

2009-11-02T15:07:00.000-08:00

Today is JT's birthday, and since it's a Monday and we can't fully celebrate all day, we had a bit of a celebration yesterday. We grilled some food, made him the sides he requested, Grilled Smashed Potatoes and Potato Salad. My boy truly is Irish. It was wonderful to just sit and talk with my family. They were all present to celebrate with us. I wouldn't have it any other way.

We had a great opportunity to just sit and go through an online registry. Mainly just to get us in the mind set that we need to start getting ready. I think we'll do fine, but I feel like I should be doing something to prepare. Maybe I should fish The Kid's blanket. I'm more than 3/4 of the way done. I should be able to finish this week.

Our anniversary is just around the corner. Just about 2 weeks. I keep thinking back to how amazing it is that this man I love married me, and together we've carved a life out for ourselves, and now we're adding to our family. I can't believe how blessed I am.

This weekend was truly amazing. I can't wait until JT's birthday next year. There will be another person to add to the festivities.

The Grandma is coming...

2009-10-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to get a hold of my mom for a while. They're busy, and with the time change it makes it hard to catch them at the right time. My brother talked to my mom this morning and asked her when she wanted to come out here. December 9th it is! I'll have my mom here for my birthday! I'll have my mom here for Christmas! I'll have my mom here for my child's birth. And she'll stay here for a couple weeks after I have him to help me out. I am beyond excited.

I feel like I've missed out on a lot because she hasn't been with me to tell me about her pregnancy and labor. Or to tell me those crazy old wife's tales. Or even to just sit and talk to me about all the stuff I'm scared about. I'll get to have her here for the best parts of it. The parts where I'm getting all the last minute things ready and preparing for The Kid to show up. I can't wait to just have her sit and talk to me. I miss her so much.

My dad will probably make the trip over once my mom heads home. They tag team it. I think my mom wants my dad to meet my son while he's still tiny. Brand new enough, but long enough so that I've had time to recuperate.

I can't even begin to explain how excited I am.

1 in 10,000...

2009-10-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

I went in for an ultrasound today. They wanted to take another good look at The Kid's heart, since he was being stubborn last time we went in for an ultrasound. They went over my results of the blood tests they ran to scan for abnormalities that could be passed on to The Kid. 1 in 10,000. They cheered. It was a great feeling to hear that so far, everything appears to be OK. He's growing nicely. He's got his heart chambers all nice and strong, his brain is growing nicely. It was wonderful to just see him moving around in there. I got a nice shot of his profile, his face and his foot.

When things were wrapping up the Dr. was telling me "Everything looks great, and I really hope it all goes well for you. If you need anything, give us a call" And with that, it made me realize how close I am to the end. About 3 months, and I'll have a baby in my arms. No more ultrasounds. Now, it'll be the actual baby.

A co-worker of mine is about a week ahead of me, and she was telling me that she's already planning her maternity leave. Now I've got to look over it all and see when I'll be leaving. When I'll be taking off work to get ready for him. I think the closer I am to taking off work, the less prepared I feel.

We really need to buy him diapers. And possibly some socks or something. I feel like I'm not ready.

26...and counting...

2009-10-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

Today marks 26 weeks, 4 days. I had a Dr.'s appointment, and as always, she made me feel really comfortable and commended me on doing a good job. I haven't screwed him up yet! Gold star for me. I gained 3 pounds since last seeing the Dr. about 4 1/2 weeks ago. She felt my belly and told me, he's a "Good size" and his heart was racing, just as it should be.

We're a go, for going to Nevada for Thanksgiving. I knew she'd say yes, and I feel comfortable going because Cindy would be there if anything were to happen. But it's always nice to have a reassuring word that I have nothing to worry about.

I have an appointment in 4 weeks, and then it'll be every other week. Yeah, that's the point where I came to the realization that this is all really going by fast. Very fast. Sometimes I feel like I'm so ready to be done with this part of it. Just ready to have this kid to laugh with. I am excited to see his sense of humor blossom. I'm ready to have him in his dad's arms. I know he's ready too. But, then there are moments like last night, when he's kicking up a storm, and I have to practically sign to JT to come over and feel, because I know if I say anything, The Kid will stop kicking. So he comes, feels and we both stare at my belly in amazement.

I want to remember every part of this pregnancy. And I can't wait to start the next part. The part where he calls me Mama.

Preparing

2009-10-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

We're trying to get the house ready for The Kid. We've frantically begun to throw out or donate furniture, old clothes, blankets, pillows, etc., etc. It's very liberating to get rid of stuff. It's amazing to see how much STUFF we just gather. And really it's all just Stuff. Stuff we at some point think we'll need, or use. I really get critical of myself when I think about how much stuff I've bought that really wasn't a necessity. So I've decided to narrow things down a bit. Just minimize the number of things we have. It feels great.

First the kitchen. We have pots and pans for days. You'd think that I could bare that down to maybe 1/3 of what we have, and that will be my mission this weekend. Just look over everything we own, see what's worth keeping, and decide what stays and get rid of the rest.

I feel that the closer we get to being ready for The Kid, the more calm I get. I hope that when we are finally at the point where we feel ready, we'll be able to sit back, and just relax until The Kid is here. Maybe stock up on some sleep.

We're just preparing.

The Kid...

2009-10-07T16:16:00.000-07:00

We have your name picked out. We thought about making you the Third, but then decided you needed a different name. It's nice knowing what we'll name you. Now to get some Spanish speakers to pronounce it just so I get used to what it'll sound like to have my family members pronounce it.

When we first started mulling over names, we told people what we had been considering, and they all had their input. I like when people are being "fake nice", they tend to smile and pause first, and then say "Oh that's nice" or "Oh, I like it...". Because of that, I'm considering keeping The Kid's name to myself until he's here. It's easier to hand someone a baby and say, "This is our baby, his name is _____". Then they get to know the child, and the name is not even an issue. So we shall see.

I was raised with an odd name, so I wasn't looking forward to giving my child a name that no one could pronounce. Mainly it's a name that's unique, yet simple. We're giving him a great middle name too. I'm excited to meet out little guy. Just a round of holidays to go, and he'll be here.

My little reminder...

2009-10-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit under the weather for a few days now. It all began with a scratchy throat, and escalated to sinus pain, mucus, and bouts of sneezing and coughing that left me just miserable. I ran a slight fever, but nothing so high that I worried about The Kid.

When I'm really sick, I can tell because the day will fly past and I won't remember to eat. I'll sometimes remember, but usually I don't feel hungry, so I'll just continue my marathon sleeping, or continue working. Depending on where I am.

The last few days though, The Kid is my reminder to eat. Even though I wouldn't feel hungry, like clock work, he began doing a jig and I'd remember "Oh wow, I need to eat". First in the morning, then around lunch time, and dinner. When it's feeding time, he's sure to let me know.

I don't know if he felt all my sickness, but if he did, I'm so sorry that he had to. I want him to feel no pain or discomfort, but I know that every time he'd dance around, he was letting me know he was OK, but it was feeding time.

He's a maniac...

2009-09-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

There are certain times when our boy starts moving around like crazy. I like to think he's dancing. Especially when it happens and there's music playing.

The last couple weeks Jason and I have been going to church together on Sundays. And while Jason plays music in his car, and I sit in the passenger side just listening and looking at people in their cars, I feel my baby start to boogy. Once at church, during our songs and worship, I can feel him really get down.

Once in a while it really does feel like he's tap dancing in there. It's an amazing little reminder that my boy's got a personality already. Are we in for a treat! JT was a character. Still is. And I was a smarty pants. So this should really be fun. I cannot wait until I get to meet this little guy. Tap shoes and all.

Ahh, today...

2009-09-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a Dr.s appointment. It went well. I gained another 4lbs. My blood pressure and glucose seem good. I have a Gestational Diabetes test in about a month. I also have a Chiropractor appointment next week. It's all zooming by. I'm having some trouble with my final decisions. I want to do things a certain way, but I may not have that option, financially. It's tough that my options aren't always mine. They are the wallet's. I want to make the best decisions for my child and for myself.

We're still not sure what will happen after the baby's born. We know he'll be out and ready for some TLC. And we'll be there to give it to him. At this point we're just trying to figure out who will be home with him and who will bring home the bacon. We're also trying to figure out how we'll pay for the birth. If only I could go into the woods somewhere, birth this child and then just jog on back to my house. At which point my family will gather, marvel and bask in the glow of my newborn and I will get to lay in bed recovering for a few weeks. If only that were how it worked.

I have to just pray that things will work out for the best. I am just short of giving up and just letting the system push me through, as it is prone to do. I'll be put on this conveyor belt: check in, lay and labor, be poked and prodded, lay and labor, push, push, no really...PUSH, and then at some point I'll have my child. I really just want it to be February so I can just look back at how I survived it all and how wonderful it was.

Where is Marty McFly when you need him?

Decisions Decisions...

2009-09-18T11:51:00.001-07:00

Doula? Midwife? OB? Hospital? Home Birth? Birth Center? Out in the woods?

Man, I'm really having a hard time pinpointing what I'm going to do. I love JT for supporting whichever birth method we'd like to pursue. So far the Dr. has been great. But I worry when it comes down to the actual birth. Just the IV being put into my arm. To the immediate rushing off of my baby as soon as he's born. I have decisions to make. And I'm scared I won't make the right one. The ultimate goal is to have a healthy baby. It's the journey getting there that's scary.

Oh yeah, and then there's everything after...

Lord help me.

Did you feel that?

2009-09-15T14:20:00.001-07:00

Most days I'll ask JT to feel my belly when the baby moves a lot, in hopes that he'll feel him kicking. But unfortunately his answer is usually "no". He doesn't stop trying though. And I love him for that. Last night, I was sitting on the couch with my feet up and our baby was kicking up a storm. I looked at JT, and he quickly put his hand on my belly. I asked "Did you feel-" JT cut in with "I think I felt him!" With a smile and some more trying to feel, we ended our evening.

It's amazing to think that it's getting so much closer. Now we'll just have to wait a few more months for him to be tangible for both of us. It's unbelievable. I'm excited and I cannot wait for him to be here.

'Him' will soon be named. Although, I am considering keeping the name a secret until he's born and has been named. I'm not sure people will like our choice in names. Good thing they're not our kid.

Ah the joys of parenthood.

20 weeks...

2009-09-04T14:57:00.001-07:00

5 months. 20 weeks. Holy cow time is really flying by. Life has been a whirlwind, which I'm sure only makes things go by that much faster. We're beginning to figure out what we'll do when the birth comes around. Dr's appointments and ultra sounds. It's exciting and all a little scary. I called and made an appointment for another ultra sound, because they want a better look at his heart. That scares me a bit. But I know that there's nothing I can do on my end, but wait it out and hopefully get another happy little look at my darling boy.

We go to Pahrump this weekend. I'm excited to talk to Cindy a little more about our birthing options. I want her to be my midwife, but being that she's in Nevada, it makes things difficult. If nothing more, I'll escape to Nevada for a week or so just to have this kid. I'm unsure of the actual birth. A little scared too.

This weekend I look forward to cooking, eating, playing games, watching movies, hanging out, and possibly swimming. Really just spending a nice long weekend with JT's family is always nice. I'm really happy my brothers are going with us. It makes for a more entertaining weekend. I love my family, they're all amazing, and I can't wait until I introduce this little boy to them all.

Sweet baby boy...

2009-08-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

We sat and watched as the Dr. showed us your spine, heart, hands, feet, beautiful face and then she excalimed "Oh there you are, It's a boy!" JT smiled and I couldn't stop smiling either. The minute she said it, it sounded right. I'm the mother of a little boy. A boy that we will show all the cool things to. The little boy who will be interested in the world and I'll be more than happy to encourage his curiosity. The search for names has now begun. This should be fun.

I am excited and so anxious to meet my little boy.

My brother Jason took us out to dinner. He insisted it be a steak dinner. It was expensive, but he wanted to pay. Even when JT offered to pay. My brothers are excited and so are our families. I can't wait until he's here and I can tell him about how long we've waited for him to arrive.

Totally worth the wait.

Shake it...

2009-08-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

I've continued to work out during my pregnancy. The Dr. said I should. Being that I wasn't exactly the portrait of health and wasn't at a reasonable weight to begin with. I have continued to go to the gym. I have continued to climb in place or run in place, or...elliptical in place. I do pretty good. I even threw in some swimming and for a while was working the weights, don't worry, low weight, high repetition. I've been trying to eat as healthily as I can. Sometimes I falter, but for the most part I'm doing good.

Now I know, as soon as I type this, I'll balloon up 20lbs. But, I have only gained between 2 - 5lbs during my almost 4 1/2 months. It varies, and Monday when I go to the Dr. it will be set in stone just how much I've gained so far. First two appointments I was the same weight.

I'm not so much afraid of gaining weight. I'm afraid of the slippery slope that pregnancy can be. I've seen people just take being pregnant as a free for all. I do give in to things here and there, but I try so very hard to make the best choice for my child and me. JT asks me every now and then, OK...pretty often, "You taking good care of my baby?" and usually I'll answer, "I'm trying". And that is the Honest To God truth. I try so very hard. I've been craving sweet delicious baked goods. Strawberry tarts. Strawberry short-cake. Banana cream pie. A banana split. Black cherry ice cream, on top of freshly baked sugar cookies. But, I'm saving those cravings for when I just can't shake it. Instead of the goodies I want, I have fruit. Instead of tasty ice cream, I had some sugar-free, fat-free frozen yogurt with fruit on it. Not the same, but it holds me until I can splurge.

Until then, I just have to shake it...

Oof...

2009-08-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

I bend to pick something up...Oooof! I roll over in bed...oooof! I try to shave my legs...Ooof!

I don't think I look much different, besides maybe some slight swelling in my chest area and maybe some discomfort in the belly area if there is any pressure there. But I feel like I look the same. However, it's the little things I try to do, like bend over to grab my bag, or to pick something up, and I hear these noises coming out. "uhh.." or "Ooof" I have begun noticing that things are changing. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

In a little over a week we'll hopefully find out if we're having a boy or a girl. We're excited. I'm extremely excited to have JT with me to see the baby. It's an amazing thing to see. I can't wait.

You must have heard me...

2009-08-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I was telling JT that I didn't particularly feel pregnant. I started heavier than most women do at the beginning of their pregnancies. I haven't put on any weight, but sometimes I do feel some heaviness where my baby lies. Most of the time though, I don't feel pregnant.

I wake up this morning, shower, get ready, and as I stand in front of the mirror, I see my nose looks swollen. I think maybe it's just allergies or possibly this ear ache I have, but I turn and ask JT, "Does my nose look swollen to you?" he smiles and says "yes, actually, it kind of does".

I turn to put on one of the new shirts I bought not too long ago, and as I'm buttoning it up, the bottom button does really keep the two sides of the shirt together all that well. I laugh and tell JT his kid is making it so that my shirts don't fit in the tummy area. He smiles, tells me I'm beautiful and tells me to go buy new shirts for myself.

Just as I say that I don't feel pregnant, you make yourself known. I will be 4 months in a few days and I'm excited. I'm almost 1/2 way there. That's scary, exciting, and really unbelievable. How is it possible that in just a few short months I'll have you in my arms? We are so blessed, and the minute you are in our arms, covered in kisses, you will know it too.

I saw you today...

2009-07-09T13:58:00.000-07:00

I lay down, and stare at a screen up on the wall. The kind lady with the latex gloves on says "This is warm" and puts goop on my belly. Then she begins. All I see is black and shades of gray. She zooms in, and there you are. First I can see your head. Then your hands, up on your face. And a fluttering heart. It's all so odd, and beautiful. And then I see you putting your hands up and down, moving them around. I laughed, and just fell more in love with you.

In that moment, you became my reason for getting up in the morning. For making myself go to the gym. For eating the less appetizing, but better for me food. For everything. In that moment, I changed. I'm showing everyone the little gray pictures they gave me. And I'm excited that you are alive and well in there. I'll make sure to take good care of us.

Turns out I'm not at 13 weeks today as the Dr. previously thought. Instead my due date is being moved to January 23rd. Let's hope your Uncle Evan is happy you'll be close to his birthday. So I'm stuck at 11 weeks, going on 12. Frustrating because I want to know if you'll be a little boy or a little girl. I want to hold you, I want you to be here already. But, good, because I have a little more time to enjoy this special journey, and to prepare.

I saw you today. And it was perfect.

Wonderful...Just wonderful...

2009-07-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

Went to Pahrump to visit the in-laws and had an absolutely amazing time. We ate, we stayed up late, we napped, we just plain enjoyed everyone. It was amazing to be able to just sit and talk about the baby. How I feel, what the plans are, name choices, everything. It's amazing to be able to just sit and be excited about the baby's arrival. We have time, lots of time. But, it's just so great to hear every one's input.

I even came out of this weekend with a new swim suit and a tan from the pool. I can't even put into words how amazing JT's family is. I left, and immediately missed them. I just cannot wait to go back. If only the trip were shorter. 4 hours was never much, especially when JT made that trip out to see me, way back when, but now it's a lot trickier to not drink anything on the drive, because I will just have to stop at the nearest rest room, if I do. And trying to stay awake has proven to be futile. I fall asleep before we get on the freeway.

Things are changing and I'm excited. We've started talking about what we'll do, what we'll change, where we'll put things. We're excited and anxious. We can hardly wait. But we're so very grateful to have about 6 months to go.

Funny guy...

2009-06-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

The Dr. brings the speaker right between us, and we hear that precious heart beating.

Me: Oh my goodness. That's really...Wow...
Him: What's that kid, running a race?

I got pamphlets, vitamin samples, instructions, and a follow up appointment. As we walked out he holds my hand and says:

Anything you want, it's yours. All my money, everything I have. It's yours

I think he's in awe of me carrying his child. But I'm in awe of him for making this possible.

Ba Bump, Ba Bump...

2009-06-24T10:07:00.001-07:00

As I lay on the exam table, my husband at my side, naked from the waist down, the Dr. searches for it. She moves around the doppler and all the while, I want to hold my breathe, just so I don't breathe too loud, so I don't miss it. I try to quietly answer and respond to her pleasant conversation.

Then suddenly...Ba bump, ba bump, ba bump...

I heard my baby's heart. Fast, loud, tiny little heart, beating. I heard our baby. JT grabbed my hand and I just smiled and kept fighting the tears. I'm really having a baby.

I've begun telling more people and it feels great to just let the news sink in. That I'm really, truly having a baby. I have so much planning and preparing to do. But first, we go to Nevada next weekend and celebrate the 4th of July and the baby.

I'm happy, excited, nervous, elated, and eternally greatful. We're having a baby!

Anxiously awaiting...

2009-06-23T12:18:00.001-07:00

I have an appointment with a Dr. who will look at my insides. It will be my first prenatal appointment. My wonderful husband is going with me, and I can't thank him enough for being so considerate and supportive. I'm nervous, and he keeps telling me "Everything will be ok. Trust me. I know these things" And I do, but not long after I'll freak out again.

I've had trouble believing this miracle has really happened to us. So I have kept it mostly under wraps, except for family and a small circle of friends, until...well, today. After today's appointment, where I hope they'll let me hear a heart beat, or see something, or the Dr. will shake me and tell me that I really am pregnant, Then I'll tell the world. Then I'll be emailing, texting, calling...Telling everyone I know.

I want this more than I can even express, and I feel like I just need to hang on a little longer until it all comes true. Or at least until I'm convinced it all came true.

My mother-in-law is a midwife, and I ask her a million questions. I talk to her about all the fears and worries I have. It's nice to have her available to me. It's a blessing. But I can't wait until I can go and show her a picture, or tell her I heard the heart beat. Something...Anything...

I'm anxiously awaiting my baby.

Whisper...

2009-06-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

I went to the Dr. and she talked to me for a while. Asked me some questions, and said "well, how do you feel about being pregnant?" Just like that. My eyes were huge. I told her "We've been really hoping this would happen for a long time, but it caught me by surprise" She smiled and said I was about 8 weeks...Holy Cow...That's 2 months. That leaves me approximately 7 months to get ready. I won't be ready! Wait, shouldn't she do something more than just talk to me?

So I asked her, if I needed any further tests, and she said "No. You took 2 tests, and they were positive. Make an appointment with the OBGYN, and Congratulations!"

At this point I'm afraid if I say it too much or too loud it will all come un-true. It will be taken away from me. Or it'll be a false alarm. I've only told my family and a small group of friends. I feel the need to whisper it, just in case it isn't really happening to me.

I have an appointment on the 23rd, and I really hope I can at least hear a heartbeat, or have the OBGYN confirm that it's true. Maybe then I will be certain that I'm not just dreaming. We've wanted this for so long, and I almost can't believe it. The moments where I completely believe it, those are some wonderful moments. I can't wait to go to the Dr. That's the first time I've ever said that. Thank God for this.

I want to always remember...

2009-06-01T08:53:00.000-07:00

Monday morning I woke up with a thought in the back of my mind. I got up, and before starting my routine, I decided to give this thought room to breathe. I grabbed a test from the drawer. After taking the test, I held my breath, closed my eyes and said a little prayer

If this isn't to be, protect my heart.
If this is to be, Thank You! Thank You! and, prepare me for what is to come...
If this isn't to be, protect my heart.
If this is to be, Thank You! Thank You! and, prepare me for what is to come...

And with that I opened my eyes, unwrapped the test and I saw two lines.

I couldn't believe it. It still feels surreal. I feel like I dreamt this all up. Feel like all of this would happen to me, but is it really happening to me? I'm calling the Dr. as soon as her office opens to make an appointment. Don't want to get too happy before anything is for sure. But it's nice to have a happy little surprise every now and then.

Hectic

2009-05-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

Life has been hectic. Busy most of the week, and then the weekend comes along and it’s hectic. Family comes over, friends come over, we have things that need to be done, and places we need to go…Hectic.

Labor Day we went to the park once Matt and Allyssa left for Victorville. It was a church activity and I promised JT we’d only stay about an hour. We were both tired and needed to just be alone. So we went, stayed an hour, went home. We got some food and headed home. We had a great drive home. Just talking and catching up. I had the opportunity to sit and talk some more with him after our meal, and I have to say, I love this man. He makes my days happy. He makes it all ok. He is an amazing man, and I’m lucky to be married to him.

We’re planning a weekend away. Really we just need to go away. It’s wonderful to have people over. We love that our home is comfortable to so many. But once in a while, we need to have some time away just the two of us. Hopefully next month we can just run away for a couple days. That would be lovely. I don’t need anything fancy. I just need my husband and me.

Mother's Day...

2009-05-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

This year it was tough not being near my mom. Not being near my mother-in-law. Not being near anyone that I could say 'thank you' to, for helping me become the person I am today. It was tough, and I know my brother felt it a lot. He was really quiet, and just looked sad. I hope my mom comes out to visit soon. I really truly miss her.

Yesterday was lovely. We had a cruise theme program for the moms and it was great fun. The mother's there were treated so amazingly well, it was great to see.

I hope my mom had a truly wonderful day yesterday.

Lately...

2009-05-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

Lately I've had a hard time with the little things. People being contradictory to me, just because. Or if I disagree with something they say, it's all of a sudden a battle. I don't know about you, but I really don't want 'Yes Men' in my life. People who just praise you and say "Wow Great Idea" for everything you say. Just because I don't agree with you, or I ask you questions about a statement you make, doesn't mean you have to bite my head off.

Yeah I'm moody. Thank goodness for the gym, and the aggression it lets me work out.

Today is a struggle.

You Are a White-on-White Cupcake

2009-04-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

Graceful and stylish describe both you and these stunning cupcakes. Your appreciation for simple elegance makes these cupcakes a must-have for your next social gathering.

White on white. -- All I know is I want to make it NOW! Thanks a lot

Kim :) Find out what you are here.

Tasty and fun.

Excited happy

2009-04-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

Matt and Allyssa are here visiting. Liam is with them and I am in love with this child. He is adorable and just has this precious ability to make everyone in a room smile. I know most children do this, but he's our family. He's our little guy.

I'm excited during the day to see them. I can't wait to get home and pick him up. I told Adriann that now I understand how she feels when she's anxiously wanting to go home and see Trinity. He may not be mine, and he may not be here for much longer with us in California, but my goodness I am counting the minutes (31) until I can go see his smiling face.

I am beyond happy that they were able to come visit. I am excited that they'll come out again and this time we can go to the beach. And anywhere else their hearts may desire. I'm just happy.

Thank you Liam, for making our family so much better and happier. We love you.

Wonderful Weekend

2009-03-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

My weekend was fantastic. Tim and Cindy came out to visit. They brought Evan with them. It was quite possibly the best weekend I've had in a long time. We made a trip to the farmer's market. Which, I plan on making every Saturday morning. If for nothing else, then at least to stock up on fresh bread and berries for the week. Oh it was lovely. We watched good movies, ate a ton of good food. All in all, I'm tired, but oh so happy to be able to say I spent a wonderful weekend with my in-laws.

Hopefully I'll get Matt and Allyssa, along with Liam out here next week. They are, however, dealing with Liam's first cold. So it may not be the right time. But I hope it is. I'd love to just wake up and see him. That's a wonderful feeling.

I am so very thankful for the family I was born into, and the one I married into. I couldn't have planned it out better myself.

Catching up

2009-03-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

The 20th of February I went to a Woman's Retreat with my church. It was amazing. I had a great time. I reconnected with my best friend Cathy, I bonded with new women. I got to know the people who surround me during the week at church. I also caught up with some old friends.

Growing up I was one of the few girls at church. I grew up with the kids at church. I grew up in the midst of a bunch of boys. To this day, I find myself to fondly remember my childhood and I'll remember the bruises, scrapes, wrestling matches, games of Trip, etc. It's great to be remember the boys of my childhood. They all hold an extremely special place in my heart. Then there are the girls, the few, but extremely cherished girls.Though I may not have felt close to them, now when I see them I can't help but remember almost every adventure we had together. I had a wonderful childhood, and I am greatful to every person who had a hand in that. Especially the kids I grew up with who ended up being amazing adults.

At the retreat I saw two girls that I grew up with. I didn't recognize them until one of them came up to me and smiled. She's been battling with weight for a while and she's lost 153lbs, so I didn't even recognize her. I couldn't stop smiling and telling her how amazing she looked. I just was so happy for her. Then I saw her sister, who has lost 85lbs. How amazing is it that they have done this for themselves, and feel amazing for it? Incredible. I told them about how I had lost 40lbs, but am struggling to get over that next hump. They were telling me to keep going and no one else could do it for me, so just push myself...They inspired me. I've been at this point for almost a month. I haven't lost any more. I was frustrated. But, I've started kicking my butt again. I've started pushing myself again. And it's starting to slowly come off again.

I can tell my body is changing, and I'm overjoyed. I have been really busy and forget to put myself on my priority list. I know that by doing that everyone else wins too. So I have to make it a point to just take some time for myself and take care of me. It's good to have people to take care of, but if I don't take care of myself, I'm no good to anyone.

I am inspired.

Remember February 12th...

2009-02-17T09:55:00.000-08:00

My grandmother passed away February 12, 2009. About 7am Guatemala time, 5am California time. My mom called me about 15 - 20 minutes after she had passed. She was a wreck. I couldn't fall back to sleep. Despite being exhausted I sat in bed and cried. When I finally started to drift back to sleep, my cousin Sharon called to tell me the news. She was a wreck. I tried to give her comforting words to help, but all I could say was..."Oh my God".

My grandmother had this way of making me smile. She had this habit of gently grabbing your nose and then bringing her hand to her lips and kissing it while saying "mi nariz". My nose. She did that for your chin, lips, ears...but mainly your nose.

I thought because she lives far and I don't see her very often that I wouldn't feel it much. I was wrong. I cried. I cried a lot. Then I got up, got ready and went to work. I was in zombie mode for most of the morning. And then Michelle asked me if I was ok. I said yes. But she didn't really think I was. So she quietly asked me what was wrong. And I told her. She hugged me, and I lost it. I got up to compose myself, and in a matter of 5 minutes I called my brother, talked to a friend and talked to my husband. I couldn't stop crying. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I went home early.

At home I tried to sleep, just to pass the time until I could figure out if I could go to Guatemala to be with my family, to see if my brother was going to go. To just hear from my family in Guatemala. But, I couldn't sleep. As much as I tried, I couldn't. I wasn't able to go to Guatemala, but my brother did. He left last week on Thursday, and arrived in time for the burial on Friday afternoon.

My father is contemplating moving back to the States because the main reason he was spending most of his time in Guatemala was because he wanted to be near my grandma. I just want him to be 100% sure of what he wants to do. I know it's not good to make decisions while you're still grieving. And right now, we're still grieving.

Drip Drop...

2009-02-06T16:18:00.000-08:00

It has been raining for the past day, and it's wonderful. And you know what they say, when it rains, it pours...Yeah, it pours. My Grandmother in Guatemala had two more strokes yesterday in the afternoon. Last night on my way home to cook dinner and just catch up on sleep, husband time and TV, my mom called. She said my Abuela had two strokes and they had taken her to the airport. So it was up to me to get ahold of my aunt to let her know what was going on. By the time my aunt called back, she was freaking out. She was exasperatedly making plans to fly out to Guatemala last night. So she would drive herself from her home in Goleta, CA to LAX. I would then meet her at the airport, take her car and drive home in it. Meanwhile whoever drives me there would have to drive so that we would get there pretty much at the same time.

Yesterday I felt like I was drowning. I got anxious and annoyed. I love my Abuela, and I cringe at the thought of my dad having to watch all this unfold. He is happy that he's there, but my goodness what that must be like. I feel for my aunt's anxiousness to leave and be with her mother, but I don't know if that was the smartest thing.

I'm just glad tonight will not be so crazy. At least I hope it won't be. Ha. Now that I said that it will be nuts.

It's an adventure.

Shiver me fevers

2009-01-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

"umm, I peed on a stick this morning, because I was feeling sick and the thought that maybe it's a possibility that we may be having a little us (I'm a little late), kept me from taking 'the hard stuff' for this oncoming cold. We're not having a little us...But I can take mucho medicine. WHEE!"

So I'm getting sick, and I'm a little happy I am, because frankly I could probably use a day off. I need to look at things logically. I would love to have a kid now, but the reality is, we just made the decision to focus on JT's career and make sure he's secure in that before we do anything crazy, like have a kid and I quit my job. So I'm not even sure why I had this wishful thinking about me getting pregnant. Maybe it's just a thought I tend to have when I'm late.

The up side, I'm so having coffee. And NyQuil tonight. Oh and a cheeseburger. Ok, maybe not the cheeseburger. But I'll love the heck out of that coffee.

Just amazing love year

2009-01-14T14:36:00.000-08:00

http://www.wordle.net

I love the words I use the most. Also, I need to expand my vocabulary. Thanks Happy Katie -- http://www.happykatie.com/dailies/ -- I love her site!

Surrounding me

2009-01-13T13:47:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been in a place full of people, yet you feel alone? It's the type of feeling that surrounds you and takes over. It's the kind of feeling you get and no matter what else you try to think about, or do, it just seems to be prevalent. I felt this way for a good 2 months or so. Despite the happy face I put on, or the, everything is peachy, front that I had up, I felt alone.

Last Tuesday night I was at church and I was standing up front because they asked all the people who were going to commit themselves to work for the year to help out the church to go up. So I stood up, walked up there, and kind of hung back towards the back of the huge group of people. While standing there, Karla walked up and just put her arm around me. She told me, "I'm so happy you're here. I really need a friend. A true friend. I haven't felt like I've had a true friend here." I started to cry. I told her, "I've been feeling the same way. I love coming to church and I love the people in my life, but lately I feel I don't have True Friends." And that's when she began to cry. It was an amazing feeling knowing that I'm not alone in the feelings I have. It's even more amazing that we were brought together at that very moment. It was then that I didn't feel so alone.

I am trying to put myself out there, and I'm trying to think positive. You know, see the beauty in life. Everything around me has something beautiful in it, I just have to look hard enough. Luckily sometimes, it doesn't take much searching for me to see it. Tuesday night was one of those times.

My goodness, time has flown by

2008-12-30T10:28:00.000-08:00

This year has been amazing. I gained a Sister-in-law, a Nephew (Liam born 12/14/08), Moved into a house we love renting, marked our 5 year anniversary and I started working out and trying to watch what I ate. There is so much more, but these are the things that really stick out in my mind.

Allyssa and Liam being added to the family has been phenomenal. It's amazing seeing Allyssa with Liam. She's a different woman. I can see that the shy girl we met not too long ago, isn't the same. She's focused on her amazingly beautiful baby boy. She's consumed with him, and it's the most darling thing to watch. She'll sit and watch him. And my heart melts just seeing that. I know next time I see Liam he'll be different. He'll look different, he'll be able to hold up his little head on his own, he may even be able to smile. I am looking forward to seeing him, and just watching him grow up to be an amazing human being.

We love the house we live in now. We're still trying to settle in, but it's happening, and I love it. Yesterday I had a day off from work, so I spent the day straightening up and doing laundry. It was so relaxing. I love the sounds of the house, the smells, the natural light, the wonderful yard. I love living there.

JT and I are 5 years into our marriage and going onto our 6th year. I'm in love with this man. I sit and talk to him and he never fails to crack me up. We sit and just talk nonsense, and it's hilarious. I love it. The most mundane things are made better by him. I think we're a great team. I cook, he cleans. I wash clothes, he helps put them away. I can't thank him enough for making my life so much better.

I am excited to see what this next year will bring. I'm about 3lbs away from having lost 40lbs. I'm excited and that just makes me want to work so much harder at this. I hope this will be the year I get pregnant and we can start growing our little family. I hope this year we prosper. I hope this year I am able to build my friendships stronger. I hope I can solidify my career. I hope I can enjoy the little things in life. Mainly I just want to have fun, no matter what happens this year.

Perfect....Just Perfect

2008-12-17T12:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday. And even though I don't get that same tingle in my stomach that I used to get when I was younger, it was by far one of the most perfect days. It started with JT singing to me at midnight. Once I got to work my desk was thrashed with balloons, confetti, streamers, ribbon, etc. It was amazing. I got birthday bagels, and cakes.

Later we did some shopping for my parents, since Jason was leaving the next morning to see them. Once I got back and did some work, I got a "Can you come the conference room...There's drama" urging from Adriann. So I went. And the singing and cake with candles commenced. I'm not one to like all this attention on me, so I'm sure I was awkward, but I couldn't stop smiling. It was so thoughtful and just nice. I can't thank my friends enough.

Dinner with my family that evening. It was amazing. I wanted to have a 'mustache party', but it got postponed because of too many things going on this month. But my aunt bought us some funny nose/moustache/eye brows/glasses type things and it was hilarious! I can't begin to explain the joy of having a mini moustache party. We had cake, I got presents and money. It was fantastic. I got books, movies, little trinkets, perfume. It's like these people know me.

I keep getting things. A belated birthday pistachio cake, movies...I just don't know how to say that this last day and a half has been amazing. I am beyond happy.

Sweet tooth

2008-12-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

I have this love affair with baking. I've had it for a long time. It started with baking in the kitchen with my mom. Even just baking cake from the box, it was all so fun. And oh so tasty. I tend to bring baked goods when I don't know what else to do. Not long after my young cousins lost their grandmother, I baked Chocolate Chip Cookies. It's my way of showing affection, I think.

So upon reading Joy The Baker I think I found my new hero. I tried one of her recipes not too long ago. Apricot Cornmeal Cookies. They were amazing. Texture and taste. Just amazing.

A couple nights ago I baked cupcakes and made buttercream frosting to go on top...Fluffy, delicious, amazing.

I'd love to bake every day. Now if I can find a way to do that, I'd be so happy. I think my friends and family would be too.

Oldies, but goodies...

2008-12-03T09:53:00.000-08:00

I found some old pictures not too long ago. It takes me back to some great times.

Fantastic.

Who asked you?

2008-11-20T09:22:00.000-08:00

So as I stood and worked the butt muscles on this weird machine at the gym, Adriann was talking to me, (or possibly laughing at me, not sure) an older lady comes up and tells Adriann in spanish the secret to losing weight. No joke. She tells her that in order to loose weight you have to drink 3 cups of water with lemon in the morning. Go figure. Adriann looks at me to translate, and I just look away. Unfortunately I'm not so good at translating what I think is blogna. So she tells Adriann and myself in broken english the wonderful recipe for weight loss. (Insert me rolling my eyes here) The lady walks away. Only to return a few seconds later to continue with her pearls of wisdom. At this point I can't take it anymore and I tell her we're late, Gotta Run!...And we leave.

Who decided that old people can just come up and be rude? Nosy old bag. That's all that kept wanting to come out of my mouth. But, I was relatively polite. I think if I see her again, I'll kick her in the shins and run away. Way to deflate two girls who are totally on the right track to getting healthy. Nosy old bag.

In other news, I went to the Dr. a couple days ago, and I'm happy to report the Dr. was all smiles and happy with my progress. I'm happy with it too.

We're on baby watch with Allyssa and also my friends Jose and Ana. I can't wait to meet their children. My first niece or nephew and Little James. I'm excited and so happy for them. And their many many many days of diaper changing ahead of them. Ha.

Whaa?

2008-11-14T16:25:00.000-08:00

So there's this site:Craftastrophe. I've been seeing that people need REAL friends. Friends who will tell them the truth. Friends who will be brutally honest.

Example:

What would bring someone to make this? Then show their friends and have someone say "Oh, that's so good! You're so talented" Truth is, it's not good. They are not talented. Unless making the creepiest clock in the land is a talent. In which case, Bravo my dear. Bravo. How do you not have that one friend who tells you the honest to God truth?

Do yourself a favor. Find yourself that friend. It's so worth it.

Oh the fun I've had just saying "WHAA?" about the stuff on there. It's fantastic.

Also, what's with the anatomy lessons I seem to be getting from wallets?! Purses!? and Jewelry boxes. Ha. Never knew it was so sought after to have an anatomy lesson every time you pull out your wallet.

Enjoy!

Holding my breathe...

2008-11-04T16:40:00.000-08:00

So we may have found a house. As I type this I'm trying to hold my breathe because I don't want anything to get in the way of us getting it. So I will say no more until we find out for sure.

My cousin Sharon isn't getting married anymore. And as I type this I'm holding my breathe because I'm not sure if I want it to be true or not. Her heart is broken, and there is no pain like loosing your first love.

Allyssa should be having her baby in about 2 1/2 weeks. And as I type this I'm holding my breathe because I'm so excited. I'm also sad that I probably won't be able to be there when the baby's born But watch out cuz Aunt Jachel is on the way as soon as I can get away. I want to hold that baby that's part Matt and part Allyssa. I hold my breathe due to excitement.

My friend Cathy is getting married and this weekend I get to see her in her wedding dress. As I type this I hold my breathe to hold back the tears. I'm excited and oh so happy for her.

Adriann is venturing out into a business of her own. And I'm holding my breathe that all goes well with her, and that this will kick me in the butt to realize my dreams. I'm proud of you Adriann.

I have to remember to just breathe and let the cards fall where they may.

My kingdom for a nest...

2008-10-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've read many places that you come to a point in your life when you have the need to nest. Well, slap some feathers on me, because I'm looking for a new nest. We are. We need to move out of the place we're currently in. It's just gotten to be a bit much. The constant blank, vacant stare the apartment manager gives borders on insulting. The maintenance guys we love! But you don't always have the pleasure of dealing with them. We're moving!

We spent last weekend looking. It was an exhausting task. One I wasn't sure the husband would survive without biting my head off. But, he did. I did. We both did. And we didn't fight! I think him giving me direction and me just following his directions of where to go and him going through the book we had full of apartments worked out great. We saw a bunch of great places, and I think maybe we found the place!

I'm hoping this is the place. It's a duplex type house, and it's great to think we won't have to worry about countless neighbors. I think this would be good for us, so now I just hope everything goes OK and this is the place for us. I can even see us having friends over and not feeling totally embarrassed to have them over. Or have to worry about their car getting towed. Yep, that's the place we live now.

Send happy thoughts our way, and I hope we get to ...Um, Lay many eggs in our nest? Gross. I just hope we nest, happily there.

Mi familia

2008-10-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

There's an itching that, at the moment, is all my mind can focus on. It's in my throat, and I know what this means. I will soon, let's hope not, but most likely, be sick. It's times like these when I really wish my mom was around.

Growing up my mom had these little pieces of advice she'd give you. Like "Everything fits in a jar if you know how to arrange it" In Spanish it just rolls off the tongue. In English, not so much. And she has old wives tales she swears by. When our stomachs hurt she'd give us mint tea. If we had bug bites she'd put garlic on them. If we got burnt she'd put toothpaste on them. Now most of this weirded me out. But, when you had a cold, it meant the best chicken soup complete with funky herbs she'd put in it, that I just preferred to not ask what they were. No other person makes it like her. Even my grandmother's tastes different. I miss my mom.

My parents moved out of the country almost a year ago. I miss them so much. I thought because they didn't live with me, it wouldn't be so hard. But, now I'm left to assume much of the role of Mother Hen. I gather my family on the weekends. Most time we all come together and just enjoy each other's company. I try to call everyone at least once a week to just check on them. I want to know how they are, what they plan for the weekend and I want to know if they need anything. I'm pretty good at it and it's rewarding. When my parents left my dad said "Stick close to your brothers and your aunt & cousin." and I have. It's not always easy. Sometimes I forget to call, or forget to invite people to things, but they love me and know I mean well. At least I hope they do.

I think about my family. The family I will at one point start. I want them to be close. I want them to know that no matter what, they have each other. I've heard and seen families that don't get along. They fight, don't speak to each other, and just have hatred. I am thankful each day for having my family and the relationships we have with each other. I respect and love them all so much. I am very lucky.

I am thankful that my example to my children of what a family is, is something spectacular.

Looking forward

2008-10-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

I'll be going to Camarillo to go see Sharon, my wonderful cousin, try on her wedding dress. I'll probably cry, because I always cry. Sharon is marrying a guy who lives in Guatemala. She met him out there on one of their many trips to visit the family. She met him and they seem to have hit it off. However, his English is non-existent, and his Spanish is very sparse. He speaks a Mayan dialect, which my aunt, Sharon's mom, understands. Sharon speaks Spanish pretty OK, but it's a bit chopped up. And her speaking of the dialect is non-existent. There are relationships that work this way. They don't speak the same language, but the language of love breaks all barriers, I get that. But, I get this horrible feeling about this union. I feel it may not be in her best interest.

Sharon is going to be 20 in a week. She's got it in her head that this is her "Last chance!". I can't tell her enough that it's not. But, somehow (read: my aunt) she got it into her head that this may be her only chance to be proposed to and get married. I feel as if her mom orchestrated the relationship up to this point. They dated, and called each other, then her mom and she took a trip to Guatemala and said "Sharon's going to be proposed to on this trip", she even orchestrated a dinner and a time for it to happen. It drives me bonkers. Her mother is a single mother. She's struggled because of this, but she's come out a strong woman. However, she was proposed to a couple times and she either accepted or didn't, but still...Didn't get married. There were things that just didn't work out. I think that's where this "Last Chance!" deal came from. 20 is different from 40, is different from 50, is different. I don't agree with her getting married. She's been going to college, and I feel she's throwing it out the window because she'll be living in Guatemala, and the likelyhood of her continuing is slim to none.

I was asked to be her maid of honor. I guess Matron of Honor, because I'm matronly and all. I have to say no. I feel it inside of me. I have to say No. But, the thought of seeing Sharon stand at the altar and have NO ONE standing next to her supporting her, is Killing me inside. I can't possibly go to Guatemala and do the whole show if I know in my heart that this isn't right. So, I will say no. Regretfully, because of the love I have for my cousin. I will take care of throwing her parties where she will get wonderful gifts and have a great time, but I can't stand next to her and have God and Everyone listening for the "Speak now or forever hold your peace" part, and I'll either have to say something or forever hold my peace.

Sharon has always been like the little sister I never had. She'd call me when she had bad days. She'd call me when she had good days. She'd call me and tell me I was her "best cousin/friend". I saw her grow up. I just don't know what to do to save her. At this point, all I can do is pray. Because God is the only one who can deal with this awful mess.

I am currently looking forward to:

My cousin Sharon's wedding dress fitting.
Sharon's birthday (the 11th of this month)
Going to Pahrump for my Father-in-law's birthday
Feeling Allyssa's belly again
Hugging JT
Magic Mountain
A nice cool weekend, so I can bake
Baking!
Seeing long lost friends

I am not so much looking forward to:

Sharon's wedding
leaving Pahrump when it's time to go home
...finding out what this knot in the pit of my stomach means
loosing Sharon, possibly for good
A 1 1/2 hour drive to Camarillo
Saying no

Then it leered its ugly head...

2008-10-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

There was the time when I was jealous without even knowing it. I was jealous of a pregnant lady. I've been my fair share of pregnant ladies. And I'm usually the one telling them to "Put down that Coke, and drink water instead!" Or the one that will run with them to 7-11 to get them that much sought after bag of sunflower seeds. But this time was different.

It was a lady from church, and she was plenty older than me. She got married and months later we get the wonderful news that she's expecting a baby. Her pregnancy seemed to last forever. It was torture to me to think that I wasn't in her place. But I didn't realize that's what it was that bugged me until my husband pointed out after my comment that "Wow, she's been pregnant forever" he said something along the lines of "It only seems that way to you". It hit me. I'm jealous.

I tried as hard as I could to not let it bother me. I even went as far as planning a baby shower for her. Anything to chase away those feelings. It didn't help that the whole time at the baby shower she didn't once direct a word toward me. I think it just made my feelings stronger. I struggled with putting those feelings aside and finally, was able to make peace knowing that my time would come...some day. Sounds pretty, but I found it hard. Really hard. I think it helped to just be happy for her.

Now, I'm around pregnancy and it just makes me excited for what may come. But I still remember the feeling of being angry and frustrated, and it scares me. How do I know I won't feel that way again? Thankfully I don't feel that way toward my family's pregnancies.

Allyssa being pregnant gives me the kind of joy I didn't know I could feel. And this will just be my niece or nephew. I already love her baby unconditionally. I want nothing but the best for it. I want them to grow up to be wonerfully amazing human beings. I want to secretly spoil them rotten. I want to tell them ghost stories, take them to toy stores, and have adventures with them, just like my aunt did with me. And having these hopes and dreams for my niece or nephew is what reminds me that there is hope.

Back in the swing of things

2008-09-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

We went, we saw, we played games, we ate, we (not I) fished, we had a wonderful time. It was amazing. The Farmhouse we stayed in was beautiful. I have decided that some time in the future, I want a farmhouse to call mine. Mind you, I love California and I'm a city girl and I probably won't be too happy after 1 month there, but I want it. We had so much fun, it was sad to see it all end. I just about cried when we left the "Buffalo Bistro" after having dinner with the family. Seeing everyone going off one way and JT and I going another...it was almost heartbreaking.

I love that my family bonds over board games. Mind you we also cooked and shopped and ate Spectacular Pie, but the games. Oh how I love the games. I'm convinced Michelle cheats. She somehow always wins. Oh and then when you start to catch up she tells you to "Suck it". Not really, but with my bad hearing, that's what I hear. I really bonded with my family even more. I got to feel Allyssa's belly and I'm convinced I touched the baby's butt. I'm proud of Allyssa for starting herself on a meal plan. It's something that can only help her and the baby. I'm anxious to have my niece or nephew here. Oh how they'll make birthdays and christmas so much more exciting.

We had great food. Michelle can cook! It was too cute watching her and Jared cook together. They are simply adorable together. We tried watching 1 movie about 3 times, and we all fell asleep after about 15 minutes. I am so happy I got to go. And we're planning to go back, for a whole week next time. I can't wait.

So back to the routine of work, church, family, and gym. We lifted weights yesterday. I'm anxious to get things tighter. And judging from the soreness in my upper body (It was so hard to get dressed this morning), we were in desperate need of it. Of course, when you're in the pool no one tells you you're doing it wrong and you can die or become paralyzed from the machines, but it's a great experience. One of the trainers insisted on telling me I could die from the way I was using a machine. So I'll make sure to read the instructions on the machines. I promised JT.

My wonderful JT. I loved spending all those days with him. He went off fishing a couple days, and it was great for him and his dad and brothers. But I loved getting up and spending time with him. We'll be married 5 years in a couple months and it's a HUGE deal to us. We're planning on going out of town for the weekend and just do stuff we love to do. I am more in love with him now than I was when we got married. He really is the love of my life, and I can't thank him enough for making my life that much better.

I'm in a really good place right now. And I'm happy about that.

A fishin' we will go

2008-09-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

JT's parents rented a cabin in Utah. We're going up there Wednesday morning. Tuesday night we leave California and head to Nevada, where we will sleep a few hours and wake the next morning to a busy house trying to get all their stuff together. We'll all hit the road and be on our way to Utah. I am So excited.

Growing up I was a huge fan of camping. My mom was amazing. She would give us each a thing to be in charge of. And we'd help her get that thing together. She always over packed food, and it drove me nuts. Why so much food mom? Why always packing pots, pans, skillets, coffee pots, Do we really need a huge salt shaker? But she knew why she took that stuff. She'd make us feasts while we camped. My favorite thing in the world, to this day, is waking up under the blankets, while outdoors in a tent and smelling pancakes. I live for that! She'd make us fresh salsa, fresh beans, fresh everything. Sure she could open a can and get some bean-type substance, but Cooking and caring for her family was always how my mom showed her love.

This trip won't be camping. It'll be staying in a cabin. And I'm so happy. Frankly, after my family camping trips, which usually involved the WHOLE church, we'd get back and be exhausted. I think I may still be exhausted, but it won't be quite as bad.

I'm excited to spend time with the McCartys. Last time we went and stayed in a cabin it was with the majority of the Halls. My mother-in-law's family. It was fun. Tons of fun. But oh man, it was hectic. I'm not sure I was prepared for that. We stayed a few days and then spent another day in Pahrump. This time around it'll be Tim & Cindy, Gramps & Grandma, Matt & Allyssa, Jared & Michelle, Evan, and JT and I. It'll be a small group of people I love so much. It's exciting.

Preparing for the trip is an adventure in itself. Of course I want to take everything. I MUST have new shoes. I MUST have new tops. I MUST buy economy sized bottles of shampoo, because Lord knows it won't be enough having a regular sized bottle. I'm a little nuts when it comes to packing. For this reason, I am starting now. Starting to gather and then I can slowly cut back the amount of stuff I take. Let's hope there's enough room in the back of the car.

I will take walks with Allyssa and Michelle and take many many pictures. I will play games, I'm sure Phase10 will be one of those. I will sit and rub Allyssa's belly. I will watch movies. I will enjoy nature. I will read books. I will cook. I will enjoy cooking. I will sit and just relax. I will whip some of my beloved family members at MarioKart for the Wii. I will enjoy myself. I will have a fabulous time with MY family.

I can't wait.

Sweets...

2008-09-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law is a sweetheart. Allyssa is a very sweet girl, and I love her. I've only known her for a short time, but I have to say the fact that we have a "Cyber" relationship has brought us closer together. We email frequently. We email quite frequently. Whenever my blackberry makes that funny little noise that means I have a message and I see it's her, I MUST read it immediately. Often I feel I need to reply right away. I've gotten to know her and love her more with each email. When I saw her this past weekend, I just wanted to hug her and not let go. She's having a baby!! This is going to be my first Niece or Nephew. And it's exciting! I am so happy that this is happening. It's a crazy ride, and I hope to be there to help in any way I can.

Allyssa emailed me tonight and said some incredibly kind things to me. She read my blog and she said something along the lines of "you may have a hard time now, but you know what, it's for the best" and she sweetly ended her email with "I'm sorry if that made you mad".

First, She's right. Even though it's hard now, it'll get better. No matter what, I will be a mom. It may not be the way we thought it would happen, or maybe it will. We don't know, but with all this stuff I'm going through now I will appreciate my children so much because of it. Not that people who got pregnant right off the bat don't appreciate their kids, but this will make my story personal to me, and a little different. Personally, it's a wonderful thought. Thank you Allyssa.

Secondly, You didn't make me mad. I'm usually okay with it. I can grin and bare the question of when we're going to have kids most of the time. Actually it makes me smile that people just know we'll be good parents. If you don't get the question, that's when you worry. Ha. Yeah, I don't usually mind it. But then there are people who assume that by me saying "soon" I'm saying "Oh, not until things are all perfect" I don't want to hear "You're never ready, just go for it" Seriously? You're never ready? You can at least try, right? We're ready. Mind you, we may need to buy child safe plug covers and maybe something to hide all the wires in the house, but otherwise...READY! It's ok to ask. I love that you want that for us too. I want badly to have that cousin for your Little.

I struggle sweets, but watching you be pregnant and see you get all cute and just so beautiful, well, it gives me a glimpse into the beauty that is the circle of life. Thank you for caring. You mean a lot to me.

And so it begins...

2008-09-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

I've been reading people's blogs for a while, and I mostly lurk. I hide and laugh (internally of course) and cry, and enjoy it so much. I am fascinated by people allowing others to take a peek into their lives. It amazes me. I may at one point be able to share as much as most do, but for now...This is me.

At the nudging of my friend, Adriann, and of my new Sister-In-Law, Allyssa, I will be documenting what is my battle with weight-loss, and the ultimate goal of having a child.

The weight-loss part of it came thanks to Adriann and her suggestion that we go to the gym together during lunch. It's been great. I had mentioned to her that I was way too stressed and that I really just needed to get rid of a lot of that extra energy I had. So we started in July. It's now September, and we're swimming about 4 times a week. We do 1/2 a mile, and it's great. Our bathing suits don't fit much anymore. This is Victory! So far, I've lost about 20lbs. This is HUGE for me. I can pack it on, but taking it off has never really worked. Working out and with the help of JT, my husband, the food situation is improving. We're eating healthy food. Hey, it can be tasty, who would have known?

The baby stuff....Hmmm. Well, we're trying. It's going to be an uphill battle, this I know. The Dr. said "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome", which is scary, but not untreatable. I'm hoping that with the weight loss will come the healthy ovaries.

I'm just tired of the "So, when are you guys having kids?" that I so frequently get. I know it's just a natural question, and they don't know what I've been struggling with, but I just want to come right out and say "Hey I have bum ovaries. It's not like we aren't trying. Believe you me, we do. I'm just a little defective!" But I'll usually say "Not yet" and I know you can see in my face that it kills me. It does.

This is my struggle.